3 Reasons You Can’t Get Over Your Ex

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Hey Beloved, I'm Nakeia

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“Just because it didn’t last doesn’t mean it was never meant to be.”

Lean in, Beloved, as we chat about something almost everyone has experienced…

Heartbreak and the journey to move forward after.

This episode is titled 3 Reasons You Can’t Get Over Your Ex, but that is where the struggle begins. Heartbreak is not something you “get over.”

I’m sharing a perspective many people miss. We heal, we grow, and we move forward. We don’t fully get over being in love, sharing a life, and creating memories with someone we’ve felt a deep connection with. I know firsthand that the heartbreak struggle is real—and there are three main reasons why. If you have been wondering why it’s been so hard to heal and move forward from heartbreak, this is the conversation you need to have today.

Heartbreak is so impactful because love is a full-bodied experience that leaves imprints on our hearts, minds, and spirits.

I have been through a lot in my lifetime, but nothing was as difficult for me to heal as heartbreak. I always say when it comes to heartbreak, I feel like such a punk because it took me so very long to heal.

Memories of the people we love get stored in our bodies in the form of experiences, stories, plans, purchases, firsts. I mean, you’ve been in love. You know what I mean. I don’t have to tell you this. You get it. Now, to be clear, I said you may never get over your ex, but you can certainly heal from the loss of the relationship, and if you are still struggling, here three reasons why that may be the case:

1. You refuse to go no contact. And I feel you tensing up, your shoulders are lifted, your jaw is clenched.

I see this with my clients. I’ve talked about this with friends. You have to go no contact when you are in the middle of a breakup or in the middle of a loss. We enter into relationships with our hearts, our minds, our spirits, our bodies, our hopes, and our dreams for the future. And when there is a breakup, we need a break to reclaim those things back to ourselves. That requires time, and it requires distance.

We are in a digital age. We have phones, computers, and tablets that keep us connected. The dating apps are also another way to connect. I don’t know what your life is like, but if something is connecting you to that person, I would suggest that if you want to move forward and heal. Block them at least for a time. You have to give yourself time to heal the memories. You have to give yourself time to process the break. You have to give yourself time to recalibrate your heart, your mind, your spirit, and even your day.

If you lived with the person, if you were married to the person, if you are neighbors with the person—some of us are dating our literal next-door neighbors—you need a break. You need some time and some distance in order to reclaim yourself back to yourself.

If you are struggling to move forward from your ex and you are still talking to them, emailing them, texting them, checking their social media account, talking to their mom, their dad, their sister, ‘nem, that is the reason why. Give yourself time and distance if you want to heal.

You can tussle with me or can heal. That is what I tell my clients. You can resist or you can heal. You choose. I’m just here to share the insight.

2. You are still romanticizing the relationship. I know there is a hashtag attached to romanticizing your life, but let’s talk about what it means to romanticize something so that we don’t do that anymore. To romanticize something means to engage with or describe it in an unrealistic or idealized way.

When you are romanticizing your life, you are not living in reality. When you are romanticizing a relationship, you are idealizing it. You are not rooted in the reality of it. And we must stop doing that so that we can heal.

Tell yourself the truth about the person who just broke your heart.

Allow yourself to sit in the honesty of what love looked like for you when you were in the relationship. Were you truly happy? Was it truly always bliss? Was your nervous system regulated? Did they cheat on you? Did they talk to you poorly? Did they treat you badly? What is the truth of the relationship? Sometimes we struggle with the reality because it’s too tough to live with.

We don’t want to tell ourselves the truth about the person we thought we’d be with for the rest of our lives. You felt lonely in the relationship, so I know you can handle the loneliness that is attached to healing. It’s just for a little while, but tell yourself the truth.

3. You are waiting for what everyone calls closure. We’ve talked about this on several occasions, and I am going to remind you of this every chance I get. Just like boundaries, just like self-care, closure is something you do for yourself. No one gives you closure.

The truth of the matter is closure happened when the relationship ended. That is the literal definition of closure. The end. As soon as the person said, It’s not you, it’s me, there was closure. As soon as the person said, I think we need some space, that was closure. As soon as the person showed you that they were a cheater, a liar, and couldn’t be trusted with your heart, that was the closure, beloved.

When you say you need closure, what you’re actually looking for is another way back into the relationship… Perhaps, a conversation that will change the other person’s mind.

We’re going there so that you can get free, knowing the truth will set you free.

A question for you to reflect on:

Are you looking for a clear ending, or are you looking for a way back into the relationship? Do you truly need closure? Or is closure something that you can give yourself?

It’s important to note: Someone can be an amazing person and still not be the person for you. That’s worth repeating. Someone can be an amazing person and still not be the person for you.

Your ex may have been amazing. That still doesn’t mean that was your person.

The version of you that was in the relationship is not the version of yourself that you are today. And not everyone is meant to stay in your life for a lifetime. Just because it didn’t last, doesn’t mean it was never meant to be.

And even if it was the best relationship you’ve ever experienced so far, it’s not the best you’ll ever have. Let people love you and allow love to truly run its course. Sometimes beloved, the time is just up.

The person has evolved into a version of themself that is no longer aligned with you. And that is okay. What you loved about the relationship is still attached to you. The love, the support, the nurturing, the fun, the dinners, the shopping, all of the plans… You can still own those things and take them with you into a relationship that is actually aligned with you.

3 Ways You Can Move Forward Today

Start by going no contact. Block them everywhere—your phone, social media, email, and anywhere else you are connected.

Choose a healthy distraction. The best way to do this is to distract yourself with yourself. Start a personal project, take a course, schedule dates with friends, or find other ways to build yourself up. Listen to podcasts, read books, write books, and work on yourself.

Reset your energy. Remember, love and relationships are a full-bodied experience. Every part of you went through that relationship. Every bit of you was involved. Slowly release the pictures, letters, and community assets. You don’t have to destroy those things or get rid of them, but consider packing them up so you are not tempted to ruminate over them. Reclaim your energy by shifting your focus from the relationship to healing.

The amazing person that you are today was birthed out of your experiences with love. Eventually, you will learn to heal from them and take the parts of them that still matter to you with you.

You can heal, you can move forward. Heartbreak doesn’t last forever. Just because the relationship didn’t last doesn’t mean it was never meant to be. And what you lost is not the best you’ll ever have.