Things I Learned About People The Hard Way

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Hey Beloved, I'm Nakeia

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“Sometimes it is through our connection to others that we find out how disconnected we are with ourselves.”

This is the conversation we need to have if you have ever felt like your relationship with someone was a waste of your time. Relationships can be your greatest teacher. You can learn how to love others and yourself better—especially from the relationships that didn’t work out.

Whether it’s the struggle to understand a parent, set boundaries with a sibling, or stop trying to change a partner, you can extract wisdom from the people you connect with in life.

In today’s episode, I’ll be sharing some wisdom I learned about people, relationships, and myself, the hard way.

Relationships Hold Up A Mirror

There are some things we will only learn through personal experience. And navigating relationships is one of those things. Actually, I believe our greatest life lessons can only come through our connections with others.

Relationships hold up a mirror. They reflect our strengths and weaknesses. They show us what we value and desire. And they point out our vulnerabilities and shine a light on our fears. Remember, a relationship is the most vulnerable place to be.

Sometimes it is through our connection to others that we find out how disconnected we are with ourselves. Those relationships show us how unaware we are of our needs, how we lack confidence in our own voice, and how easily we choose to abandon ourselves to please others. That is what relationships offer us. If you really want to know who you are and what you are made of, often it’s the people you are connected to in life that will show you.

Believe People When They Show You Who They Are

Maya Angelou said, “When people show you who they are, believe them.” She also goes on to say, “They know themselves much better than you do.”

When someone shows us that they are unkind, struggle with communication, are selfish, or are unhealed, we tend to excuse those behaviors or justify them through empathy. Sometimes we have to reel our empathy in long enough to see the truth of who someone really is. People show you who they are. The problem is we don’t believe.

When we go against what we see in people, we learn the truth the hard way.

Things I Learned About People The Hard Way:

Remember, some lessons can only come through our connection with others.

You can’t change a single soul outside of yourself.

I know you felt that one because you have tried to change people you love, and they have shown you that they were unwilling or unable to change.

Change requires the decision and participation of the person who needs to change. So you can’t change anyone. Your actions can’t change another person’s actions. You can inspire them. You can often motivate them, but it is their decision, their effort, and their participation that actually brings about the change.

I learned this trying to change people I loved. I had their best interests at heart. I wanted what was best for them. I saw their potential. I saw their purpose. I knew that they were called to do greater and bigger things, but they didn’t know it. So they couldn’t make the decision, and they couldn’t participate. And I exhausted myself—I emotionally injured myself trying to affect change in someone else.

You know what I had to do? I had to change myself. I realized that trying to change my dad, who was an addict, trying to change my uncle, who was also an addict, trying to change siblings who I thought were making decisions that were below their potential, and trying to change friends. I even tried to change clients! it is exhausting trying to change others because it’s impossible. And I learned that the hard way.

When trying to change others, ask yourself: What do I need to change? How can I adjust the role this person plays in my life? Because you can’t change them.

Also consider this: if you are trying to change someone, it is because they are no longer playing their assigned role. They are no longer aligned with who they used to be in your life. They may no longer be contributing to your well-being. Perhaps that is why you are trying to change them. But instead of changing them (because you can’t), change yourself. Instead of trying to change them (because you can’t), adjust their role in your life. I learned the hard way that you can’t change a single soul outside of yourself.

Some people will never get you and you need to learn to be okay with that.

I’ve seen this across the internet many times: “You are not for everyone, and that is okay.”

The people you are called to call you. That is my take on that phrase. The people you are called to, they are calling you. They have already called you. They are inviting you into their life. If you are trying to manipulate who you are, contort who you are, censor who you are, change who you are for someone else, it’s because they are not your people.

Some people will never get you, but your people, they absolutely will. We need to give people the freedom to choose whom they want to be connected with.

I don’t get mad, anymore, when someone doesn’t align with me, when someone doesn’t invite me into their space, when someone doesn’t like what I write, when someone doesn’t buy my book or wanna work with me as a client, because based on my experience, my people, call me, they know me, they want me, they invite me into their lives. I no longer try to change who I am to fit someone else’s mold, someone else’s expectation. I just be who I be in the words of my grandmom—and the people who see me, truly see me.

I learned that the hard way because I struggled to accept the parts of me that were not as acceptable in the eyes of others. I had to learn to love some of my quirks, to love my slick tongue. And guess what? The people who are called to me love it. In fact, y’all have slick tongues too. More than likely, that’s why you listen to the podcast. You get me, and I get you. I was able to rest in who I am as a result of learning that lesson. I was able to accept and often welcome rejection because it redirected me toward the people I am actually called to.

Don’t get mad at other people for doing what’s best for them.

I had to learn to do the same. When people are doing what is best for them, they are doing their good work in the world. Sometimes, that which is best for them impacts us negatively. And that is information… The information we are getting from that is that they are not our people. Perhaps they are in a season of growth, and it requires them to lose some of their connections—including the one they have with us.

I had to accept that I don’t always know what’s best for someone else. I am not in their heart. Even though I want what’s best for them, they are the experts in themselves, and I need to give people the freedom that I also want, which is to do what is best for me.

Rejection is redirection, whether it’s from the people who don’t get you or the people who are doing what’s best for themselves, even when it impacts us negatively.

I had to learn not to get mad at people who were doing what’s best for them. Jokingly now, when someone is doing what’s best for them, and it impacts me negatively, I say, “I love that for you.” I-love-that-for-you. I love how you are valuing your time. I love how you are supporting yourself and taking care of yourself emotionally. I love how you have boundaries. I love how you are making choices that are in the direction of who you are trying to become. That is how I accept when people are doing what is best for them when it impacts me negatively. It’s also when I take a moment to reflect on how I need to do that same thing for myself. I need to love my own boundaries. I need to love my own decisions, even when they upset someone else. I need to love taking care of myself when other people are unable or unwilling to care for me, because it is my responsibility.

The lesson is to do what’s best for you, boo. Do what is in your favor, boo. Take care of yourself, beloved.

I tell y’all, I used to get so mad when others did what was best for them. I got mad because I didn’t have the strength, the courage, or the heart to do the same in my own life. And that personal accountability is what helped me grow into the boundaried person that I am today.

People will only ever be who and what they have the capacity to be.

This is a hefty lesson… This lesson holds so much weight. For those of you who are on the other side of a love that is not mutually beneficial, a love that is not serving you in this season, a relationship that is not supportive, a relationship that no longer has your best interest at heart, perhaps the person on the other side of that love or relationship lacks the capacity.

Maybe it’s a parent. All your life, you wanted your mom to be the mom that you’ve always wanted and needed and dreamed of. The mom you saw mothering your friend, the parent you saw parenting your cousin. Your auntie was amazing and you were wondering why your mom couldn’t be. Perhaps she lacked the capacity.

This is also a lesson in acceptance. We have to learn to accept people for who they are, even when who they are is not best for us. When who they are is not good enough, supportive enough, in this season of our lives. We don’t have to get mad, bitter, and resentful. We have to be honest about their capacity. And in all honesty, we are expecting too much from too many people. We are expecting love from someone who doesn’t have the ability to love, support from someone who hasn’t even learned to support, nurture, motivate, and inspire themselves. When you are struggling in a relationship, it is likely a tussle with someone else’s capacity.

People will only ever be what and who they have the capacity to be. Learn to accept that, beloved.

Keep other people’s opinions away from my purpose.

Not everyone is meant to go through every season with you. Not everyone will understand the vision that you have for your life because it’s not their vision. Not everyone will understand what your purpose is in this season because it’s not their purpose. And sometimes we have to go through certain seasons alone—or just not with the people that we’ve known and traveled and journeyed with our entire lives. This may require a season of new friends, new connections, new supporters, and new people to co-journey with you.

And this is the thing, not everyone who speaks ill of your purpose has ill intent. I remember trying to explain to my grandmother why I was leaving social work to pursue a career in music, something she didn’t understand. And in all honesty, I didn’t fully understand myself. I just knew I was being pulled in a direction that I needed to go. And despite our conversations, where she tried to talk me out of my purpose, I stayed the course. I respected her opinion because I knew she loved me, but I stood my ground, and it paid off beautifully. I went on to become an award-winning songwriter, working with people I grew up idolizing in music.

I found a piece of me, a version of myself that was creative, innovative, lovely. I love Nakeia, the songwriter, and I never would have been introduced to that version of myself had I listened to other people’s opinions. It wasn’t just my grandmother. It was just about everyone in my life at the time, quite honestly.

Sometimes people are speaking out of their own lived experience. They are trying to limit you because they have been limited. They are trying to help you shrink into a box that they feel comfortable in.

And the last lesson I’ll share with you, this may have to be a series, beloved, because I learned a lot about people the hard way. In fact, it will be. So let’s label this part one. The last thing that I learned about people the hard way is that People are people. Show grace, but protect yourself.

I remember being so hard on my parents about some of the choices they made in life. Some of those choices I’m still hard on because of how negatively they impacted me. But becoming a parent taught me some things about parenthood that I didn’t know until I experienced it for myself. Parents are people. I heard someone say: Parents are people who have children.

Parents are people, and people are flawed. And I am a person who also has flaws. So when I became a mother, and I saw how difficult the choices were, how much of a sacrifice it required, how challenging it would be, how much it revealed my own vulnerabilities… It’s another relationship.

This lesson also reinforces the lesson on capacity—how people will only ever be who and what they have the capacity to be. When people fail you, they are not actually failing you. They are honoring their capacity. They are aligning themselves with what they can do. And we have to be okay with that. Accept that. But also remember the second part, which is to protect yourself. When we realize that people don’t have the capacity to do what we need them to do, we need to find new people. We need to make sure that we are also doing our part.

I want to review what I learned the hard way. And then I want to leave you with a couple of prompts so that we can internalize these lessons.

You can’t change a single soul outside of yourself.
Some people will never get you, and you need to learn to be okay with that.
Do not get mad at people for doing what’s best for them. Learn to do the same.
People will only ever be who and what they have the capacity to be.
Keep other people’s opinions away from your purpose.
People are people, show grace, but protect yourself.

Prompts

What has your relationships with others taught you about yourself?

Think of the most important people in your life, your most important relationships. What have they shown you about themselves? And did you believe them?

How can what you’ve learned about yourself and others improve your relationships, including the one you have with yourself?

The Lesson We Learn The Hard Way Still Count

We will learn a lot from our connections with others. Relationships hold up a mirror. They reflect our strengths and weaknesses. They show us what we value and desire. They point out our vulnerabilities and shine a light on our fears. What can we learn? How can we improve? And how can we love ourselves better? How can we show up for ourselves better? How can we continue to grow into the people that we want and deserve to be?

Until next time, beloveds, I hope this helps.

Takeaways

When people fail you, they are not actually failing you—they are failing their capacity.

We have to be okay with some people not fully understanding us.

Understanding personal limitations fosters empathy for others.

Aligning expectations with abilities leads to better relationships.

Emotional intelligence is the key to managing disappointments.

Self-awareness helps in navigating personal failures.

Recognizing and acknowledging capacity can improve your quality of life and relationships.

It’s important to communicate expectations clearly.

Growth comes from understanding and accepting limitations.

Chapters

00:00 The Mirror of Relationships

03:13 Lessons Learned the Hard Way

10:01 Understanding Capacity and Acceptance

17:54 Protecting Your Purpose

21:17 Reflection and Growth Prompts

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