Try A Little Tenderness: Why Tough Love Could Be The Problem

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“Learn to balance determination with empathy.”

Let’s explore an alternative to tough love, shall we?

For those who have hustled and grinded their way through some of the most difficult circumstances in their lives, a more tender approach to success and personal growth may be the answer. Tough love may have been the way you survived, but tender love and care is how you will thrive in this season of your life.

If balancing determination with compassion, affirming your worth, and practicing positive reinforcement sounds good to you, tune into this episode for more ways to love yourself into the person you want to be.

When Tough Love Works

So I was raised in the era of tough love. Being strict, stern, unaccommodating, even, and harsh is how the adults of my life thought they would earn respect, promote growth, and raise responsible children.

It worked. My grandmom didn’t play, so I didn’t play with her. I was respectful and responsible, and her stern ways helped me survive the hood.

I adopted that model for myself. I had some things I wanted to accomplish—a life that I wanted to build. I needed to grow some more, grow greater in my responsible behavior, and I thought what I needed was more tough love to make it happen. So I handled myself that way. I was strict, stern, unsentimental, and unyielding, and it worked. I accomplished my goal. So tough love again was the way to go.

Tough love served a purpose at one point in my life. I survived. I started cultivating a meaningful life. But when I got to the other side of that life, when I reached the goals, when I survived the hood, I was able to let up a bit, to relax, and to settle myself as I started to really build a life of my own.

I started craving tenderness and empathy and gentle support. It was like the little version of myself. Little Nakeia wanted hugs, affirmation, and guidance instead of nudges, pushes, warnings, and commands. What worked for that old version of me was no longer working. I felt myself being sensitive to what was known as tough love, being strict and stern and unaccommodating, hustling and grinding, and doing all the things. And I began to rethink some of my beliefs about love, support, self-love, and self-actualization.

Alternatives To Tough Love

As a student of psychology, I learned that tough love was typically reserved for people who engaged in self-destructive behavior, toxic patterns, or people who disregarded their responsibilities and relationships. Like they were just acting up in life, and the people around them thought that it would be best to offer them tough love. We still want to show love, but some felt they needed to be a little tough about it, a little stern, a little strict.

Parents use tough love to teach their children, who are out of control, lessons. It’s used on cheating spouses, toxic family members, or friends to inspire changed behavior.

I learned that tough love is not the only way to gain respect, promote growth, and learn responsibility. Tough love isn’t the only way to get to a particular behavior or desired change. We could offer some other forms of love and still end up in the same place, whether it be with other people or with ourselves.

During a semester of a class that was called Behavior Modification, we were asked to test ways to motivate ourselves to accomplish goals or change behaviors. I chose to test my response to a strict, stern, and firm approach to change, and the alternative approach was gentle. There were gentle practices, affirmations, positive reinforcement—and you know what I found? I actually started to respond to tender love better than I did to tough love. I tested the other people in my life. I tested my siblings. I tested my roommates because I was a strict roommate. I tried a gentle approach to engaging and loving other people. And you know what I found? They responded better to tender love as opposed to tough love. So there was, in fact, another way.

Try A Little Tenderness

I have loved myself into the version that I am today.

I have been tender with my heart, careful with my mind, and considerate of my spirit. And that is the only reason why I am who I am today. I needed the tough love to survive. Maybe I didn’t. Maybe there was an alternative, but again, it worked. But there came a point in my life where I needed tenderness. And instead of waiting for other people to learn how to be tender with me, I started being tender with myself.

Here are some ways you can do the same for yourself:

Consider is balancing determination with empathy. I want you to keep setting goals and objectives, and measuring your progress and sticking to your plans, but show empathy during the times when you fall short. Understand that you are always doing the very best that you can. And if there is ever a time where you are meeting less than your best, it’s still everything that you have to give in that moment. This is not about being passive about your goals and slacking on your desires. This is about meeting the version of yourself that you are right now and determining what you actually need.

Do you need a little tenderness?

Do you need more consideration?

Do you need to give yourself more time to accomplish things these days because you have more on your plate, your capacity is limited, or because you are working on your mental, physical, and spiritual health all at once? Those things are occupying more energy than you have to give in other areas, like your love life and your friendships.

I want you to consider balancing determination with empathy.

Consider not defining yourself by what you do, but by who you are. Learn to value character, values, and heart over doing and showing up and measuring things and checking off lists. You’re going to do those things. You’re going to accomplish everything that you set out to accomplish—because that is just the type of person you are. You’re working on your heart. You’re growing in love. You’re building yourself up, and you’re going to get to the things, but you are not defined by them.

There is more to you than the roles that you play in the lives of others, the role you play on the job, and the role you play in your relationships. It’s not just about what you do, it’s about your presence, your essence, your spirit, your heart.

Sometimes just hearing the sound of my sister’s voice does it all for me. Sometimes, just smelling my daughter as we sit in silence, while sipping our coffee. I love the way she smells. She doesn’t have to do anything or say anything; just her being there is enough. The same can be true for you. Learn to love showing up for people and offering them more than what you do. Learn to love showing up for yourself and being valuable for who you are and not just what you do.

Consider is choosing affirmations over criticism. There are enough people telling you what to do, how to do it. They’re offering their unsolicited opinions. You’re online. You’re seeing how this person says you should live and that person says you should live. You get enough of that. You are down on yourself enough. You are hard on yourself enough. You are strict on yourself enough. Try affirming yourself.

Just do it for one day and watch how your heart responds. Watch how your creativity grows. Watch how your spirit starts to leap. Watch how you rest in just being yourself. Affirm who you are, not just criticize who you are.

As someone who struggled with negative self-talk, I started to do the research. And what I found is that neuroscientists have discovered this thing that we all know as neuroplasticity. What that means is you have the ability, through repetition, to rewire your brain, to change your behavior. When you affirm the goodness of who you are, the truth of who you are, the blessing you are, the gifts you have, the talents you have, over and over and over, your body will respond to that. If you are repeating the criticism over and over and over again, you are rewriting the truth of who you are, and your brain and your body will begin to respond to that version of you and not the blessed version of you. Not the talented, gifted, loving, charming, charismatic version of you.

Affirm the truth of who you are or the truth of who you are becoming. Learn to affirm over criticizing.

Consider enforcing positive reinforcement, not just negative consequences. Reward yourself for the good that you are doing, not just punish and possibly over-correct yourself for the bad.

I use the word “bad” here because sometimes that’s how we refer to ourselves and the things that we fall short on. Try loving self-correction. Try rewarding the days when you actually show up for yourself, not just what you do, or what you get right, but the days that you show up when you don’t feel like it. The days that you show up when you’re tired, frustrated, depressed, and anxious.

Reward yourself with something like positive affirmations, a really good cup of tea, a new fragrance, sleeping in a little later, or staying up and watching your favorite shows. There are consequences to every action, but even when the action is bad or negative, or you fall short, you don’t always have to respond with a negative consequence. We can enforce ourselves positively and get more out of ourselves than we can if we were always just correcting.

Consider remembering who you are. Often we judge our split decisions, our anxious actions or our situational responses and ignore the 90 or 95 % of the times we get it right. You do more right than wrong, I promise you. You show up more than the days that you choose to give up or let up or just lie in bed and pull the covers over your head. You show up when you don’t feel like it. You need to remember that. You are more than the moments when you are not at your best. Remember the resourceful you. The resilient, consistent, and overcomer that you are.

Remember who you are.

So let’s review ways that you can love yourself into the version of you that you want to be in this season of your life.

Tough love may have worked at a time. I understand it. I participated in it. I even benefited from it. But when it was time to love myself, to take care of myself, to be kind and nice and tender instead of going harder, and hustling and grinding, I still performed I responded better to a gentle and tender approach than I did to a tough and strict approach. And perhaps that is the season that you are in.

Try balancing determination with empathy.

Do not define yourself by what you do, but by who you are.

Choose affirmations over criticism.

Enforce positive reinforcement, not just negative consequences.

Remember who you are.

There may have been a time when you benefited from tough love, but the version of you that you are right now needs tender love and care.

Since being hard on yourself is no longer working, or if being hard on yourself isn’t working, try loving yourself into who you want to be.

Until next time, beloved, I hope this helps.