Ask Nakeia: How To Heal Emotional Exhaustion

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“Feeling tired is also part of the lived experience.”

We are answering a listener’s question today in our Ask Nakeia series.

“Mia” asks for tips for healing the exhaustion she feels after a few years of challenges that have left her “tired.”

My answer includes the typical “practice self-care” advice, but I also share my unpopular take on exhaustion and why we should embrace it. Mia has been in a literal fight for her life, and if you are also fighting in this season of your life or just feeling the exhaustion that comes with being a busy person who is working hard to live the life you deserve, you will relate to the full episode.

Question

Before we get into the 8 ways to heal emotional exhaustion when you are tired and overwhelmed by your life, here is a little bit of what Mia had to say in her email:

“I’ve been reading your books and following your work all over the internet for years. (Thank you, Mia!) It’s been life-changing, truly. You’ve helped me through the process of defending my dissertation, fighting cancer, and beating it. Most recently, I’ve accepted my parents for who they are forgave them and myself, and feel better about our relationships, but Nakeia, I am tired I feel extremely overwhelmed, and emotionally, I guess I would say I am dysregulated. I imagine you would suggest self-care, which is something I struggle with, and maybe the other habits for healing in your book, which I’ve read and love and started practicing. I don’t have the energy to practice those things right now. I’m tired, Nakeia. I’m exhausted, Nakeia. Is there any advice for getting out of this heavy tiredness I feel?”

Answer

First, I wanna say congratulations. Thank God you fought and won your battle against cancer. That is not a small thing—that is a huge thing. And for that alone, you deserve some rest. You have a right to be tired. It’s understandable. I understand the exhaustion of that alone, but I wanna acknowledge the fact that you fought. You fought, and you won. So thank you for fighting.

When someone says they are tired, I know exactly what they mean. Although we could all use a little more rest, I know it’s deeper than that. And actually, I recorded a podcast titled: Taking a Time Out from Your Life. That’s what I needed during a very exhausting season. I shared my experience. Listen to that episode when you get a chance.

So let’s get into a few things that I think you could benefit from right now, Mia.

1. I want you to go to your doctor if you haven’t already done so and get some blood work done. Check in on your vitamin and hormone levels to see if you have deficiencies, especially as someone who has been in the fight you have been in, a literal fight for your life. You want to make sure that it’s not biological before trying other remedies.

You could be tired because you have something like a vitamin D deficiency, or you may need B12 supplements. Or your androgen, testosterone, cortisol, or estrogen levels could be out of range. Again, you want to make sure you’re healthy there before we get into anything else, because it could very well just be biological, and some supplements prescribed by your doctor could help. In some cases, after taking those supplements for a few weeks or a few months, people feel better. So I want you to start there.

2. Mia, you mentioned self-care, and yes, self-care all day, every day. But I want you to do something that people miss: I want you to make sure that your self-care practices are specific to your needs and not some generic self-care practices you see on Instagram or TikTok.

Getting your nails done is not going to help if you have a vitamin D, B, or C, or zinc, or whatever deficiency. You would need to take some supplements. Getting a massage is not helpful if you need some sleep. You may need to stop scrolling on your phone or talking to your friends or whatever you’re doing at night. Your self-care practices need to be specific to your needs.

What do you need in this season of your life?

If this answer is more rest. Scheduling an earlier bedtime is self-care.

If the answer is work out more. Stretching, weight training, yoga, or walking is self-care.

If the answer is help around the house. Holding a family meeting to ask your spouse and your children for some helpis self-care.

Give yourself what you need during this season of your life.

*I shared some other thoughts about this in the full episode. Tune in to hear it all.

3. This is something that a lot of people miss when they are exhausted. Pull out your phone and read your last five text messages, look at your last five phone calls, and take five minutes to check in on what you’ve been viewing on social media andtelevision, and I want you to see if someone or something is draining you.

Sometimes we are exhausted by other people’s mess, by conversations that are depleting, or by viewing things on social media or T.V. shows that are triggering.

When you find something is draining or exhausting you, release it, or at least limit the amount of energy you give it.

4. And this ties into number three… Check for what I call second-hand exhaustion. Second-hand exhaustion is when you are carrying someone else’s load. This is huge for those of us who describe ourselves as empaths, and those of us who are healing codependency.

Often, we like to take responsibility for other people’s lives, other people’s struggles, and other people’s stories. You may need to step away from doing that kind of social work—especially if it is exhausting you. Are you tired because of what’s going on in your sister’s lives, in your friend’s lives, or in your client’s lives? Those who are caretakers, clinicians, and physicians, it is exhausting doing that good work in the world. So check for secondhand exhaustion. How can you take a step back?

5. Release whatever doesn’t belong to you.

Release what you can.

Release who you can… And you don’t have to do this release forever. Don’t go crossing off everyone on your list, getting rid of all your clients, but you may need to take a time out. You may need to take a step back, and that is okay. Release what you can long enough to recover.

6. Get help. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. Sometimes the people who love us are just waiting for an invitation to show up for us. Ask for help and take it. It is a loving thing to do. Mia, we talked about asking your family to pitch in around the house, but where else can you get some help?

7. This may sound counterintuitive when you are exhausted, but get up, Mia, and get out of the house. Change your environment, and start moving your body.

When you’re tired, you want to sit, lie down, and do nothing. But your exhaustion could be related again to your hormones. As we uncovered in tip one, it could be biological. By moving your body, changing your environment, and getting some sunlight, you signal “feel-good” hormones like serotonin, oxytocin, endorphins, and even dopamine. It may sound counterintuitive, but it’s actually very productive to get up and out of the house.

I work outside of the home a couple of times a week, for just a few hours. I get up and go to the cafe to do some clerical work. And then I come back home and record podcasts, host my sessions with clients, and whatever else I need to do. Getting out of the house is so helpful. And I realized that getting dressed, putting on my makeup, doing my hair, and spraying my favorite perfume actually gives me a dopamine hit. Sometimes I go out to places like Trader Joe’s, and I pick up some flowers, come home, and create a really beautiful bouquet. Those things work for me. Borrow them until you find what works for you.

8. Prayer. Prayer. Prayer. I am a praying woman. This is my experience. If you are a believer. If you like to talk to God, try prayer.

And here is some science for you: Prayer is a form of meditation, and there have been controlled studies on the benefits of prayer. What they have determined is that it reduces stress, improves coping, increases optimism, and increases your faith. Those things also release those feel-good hormones, right? So it’s a double benefit. When you pray, you are fortifying and increasing your faith. You are improving your spiritual health, but you are also improving your mental, emotional, and physical health by using prayer as a form of meditation.

When I am tired, exhausted, and overwhelmed, I like to go get cared for and loved on by God. Often my prayers are silent. I say nothing. I get into a posture of prayer. I let God know I am listening, and I sit, or I lie down. I rock or sway as God does his good work on me.

So prayer is an amazing resource when you are tired and exhausted.

Closing Reflections

And I wanna close with this. I didn’t start with this because I didn’t want you to roll your eyes at me.

I want you to understand that feeling exhausted is also part of the lived experience. Of course, you are tired. And I know you don’t want to be. I hear you when you say you don’t want to rest. But rest may be exactly what you need in this season of your life. Exhaustion happens during major transitions, after a major life change, a fight, a struggle, a promotion, or moving across the country. Being exhausted is a consequence of those things.

When you are improving your health, working on your fitness, working on your spiritual fitness, your mental, emotional fitness, your personal development, or when you are being an amazing mother, wife, friend, business owner, or employee, you will get tired. Sometimes being tired or exhausted is not a bad thing. It is a consequence of showing up in your life.

I also want you to see feeling tired as a signal, as an alert that your body is actually working for you. It’s telling you that you need a timeout. It’s alerting you that it’s time to sit down somewhere and rest.

Consider this, take time for daily rest so that you don’t get to the point where you are completely spent, exhausted and overwhelmed. Support your well-being with healing habits. My book is an amazing resource for uncovering the healing habit you may need to cultivate. Sometimes we are exhausted because we lack boundaries, self-forgiveness, remembering who we are, taking personal accountability and all of the nine habits in the book.

Start embracing the season that you are in. If this is a season of rest for you, take it. If your body is calling for a time-out, go sit down somewhere.

One of my mentors introduced me to what I now I call active rest. There are things we can do to rest without completely taking time off from our lives, our work. And so sometimes I like to rest by being on the phone with a friend, chatting it up while folding clothes, cleaning up the kitchen, or rearranging my closet.

And then finally, just ride this one out. Just ride this season of rest out. Don’t resist it. Embrace the season that you are in. See rest as part of your well-being practice and being exhausted as part of the lived experience. When you are tired, take the rest, take the help, engage in self-care, release some things, do what you need to do to recover, and get back to being the beautiful, vibrant, productive person that you are.

Rest is a healing practice. Rest is a self-care practice. Take it when you need it.

And until next time, beloved, I hope this helps.