Surprising Ways To Tell That You Are Healing

I Hope This Helps, The Podcast, Podcast Shownotes

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Every week, I share stories, lessons, encouragement, and practical healing and growth practices from my life and work with others.

Hey Beloved, I'm Nakeia

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“Sometimes change isn’t evident because it’s happening on the inside.”

So whenever I doubt my progress or get down on myself about how much work I’m putting in in life, I sit and make a list of my efforts and outcome.

This isn’t hard for me because I do The Daily Set Up every day. Those of you who know and love me know I love The Daily Set Up. It is the way I start every single day. How you set your day up is how it will end up. One of the steps in the setup is to sit down and create a list of things you’re going to do and what you expect to get as a result of putting in that work. So it’s not difficult for me to complete this list. I just refer to my daily setup, and it helps make my work real because I am putting in work.

What I’ve realized over the years is that some change or progress isn’t evident because it’s happening on the inside of you. The practice of going over the work I’ve done and what the outcome has been has been so helpful because it’s not always as evident as money in the bank or purchases made as a result of the successful quarter in business, or weight loss on the scale, or new clothes as a result of losing weight. It’s not always outwardly visible or tangible. So, creating this list of things I feel, the ways that I’ve been engaging with other people, and how I’ve been responding make the list. I can see that I am actually making progress.

If you have been wondering if you’re actually healing or making progress on your journey, I invite you to start doing The Daily Set Up. A link to download the guide is listed below.

Now, let’s get into some surprising ways to tell that you are healing.

Surprising Signs You Are Healing

The first way to tell that you are healing is that you are less activated or triggered. In other words, you are living an unbothered life. And I use the words activated and triggered because there’s a difference between the two. We often use the word triggered, like, “That triggered me.” But we don’t use the word activated enough. And I want you to know the difference between the two because it’s important. When you are feeling activated, it is rooted in your literal feeling. So “I’m getting hot.” Maybe starting to take more shallow breaths, heart is racing, getting scared, getting anxious, or whatever it is that you are feeling—often in your body. That is an activation.

Triggered is how you respond to what you are feeling. And when you are triggered, you start to do some things, or something in you is triggered. So when a client says they were upset or angry at something that happened over the week, I say they were activated. When a client says that they started to doubt themselves, retreat, or not show up enough, I say they were triggered because they are responding to what has happened or what they feel.

When you are healing, you are often less activated and less triggered.

Here are some examples of what this looks like for me:

If you have ever been on the phone with me while I am driving, let me offer an apology because I am a road rager. I yell at the person in front of me, behind me, to the side of me. I am often activated when I am in the car. And I’m getting better, I promise. I notice that it happens more often when I’m not getting enough rest, when I’m not using my voice, when I am staying silent about things, when I’m in a rush, and when I’m dysregulated. It is during those times I am more activated in the car.

I am often triggered by conversations with family. I respond to uncomfortable conversations with family by ruminating. Ruminating often leads to anxiety or depression. Anxiety and depression often lead to irritability. Irritability often leads me to act out. And so that is how I know that something is going on in my body, or I need to take a moment and engage in some healing practices.

I know that I am actually in a good space in my life when I am not activated or triggered. Over the years, having conversations with family became less triggering. I had less of a response. I was able to end the conversation and move on with my life. And so one way to tell if you are healing is that you are less activated and less triggered.

Another way that you can tell you are healing is that it takes you less time to recover from an event. Let’s use the example of me having an activating or triggering conversation with a family member. I would get off that call, get on the call with my friend, and we would talk about it, or she’d listen to me talk about it for hours. Sometimes, after our hours-long conversation, I would text her more thoughts. This would go on until I have released it all and feel better.

My recovery time shortens as I heal. I can get off a call with the family member, journal a few things, and move on with the rest of my day. It used to take me hours, weeks, or even months to get over an interaction with someone that was extremely unpleasant. So, note your recovery time. Are you spending less time ruminating, which is obsessing over the thought, the conversation, or the interaction? Are you able to move on with your day without talking about it again or harboring any resentment or ill feelings inside? That is how you know that you are healing.

Recovery time is really big for me, just like being less activated was because those things decrease immensely when I am reading, praying, meditating, and regulated. You can cut me off in traffic, and you won’t get a response from me. I will think to myself, “They’re in a hurry. Let me get out of the way.” instead of yelling.

So those are two ways, two surprising ways to tell that you are healing. Do either of those reonate?

A third way to tell that you are healing is that you have a lower tolerance for foolishness. When I share this with my clients, they are like, really? Are you serious? They’ll bring something to me—maybe something that happened at work, like addressing a grievance immediately and feeling bad about it because they saw their assertiveness as aggression when in fact they were just handling their business, speaking their piece, and doing what they needed to do to get through the project.

You don’t have to tolerate foolishness from anyone. And when you stop tolerating it, when you speak up for yourself, when you advocate for yourself, when you walk away from messy conversations, when you avoid gossip, unnecessary gossip anyway, or bad behavior from people, and you say things like, “I’m not going to take that from you.” “I’m not going to have this conversation with you.” “I’m not going to address this with you again.” That is actually a sign of healing.

The fourth thing, and this is new for me, is a very surprising way to tell that you are healing: Your pain tolerance is lower. Surprising, right?

I have a lower tolerance for pain, and I credit my healing. I feel every needle that goes into my arm at a checkup. Every movie that is difficult for me to watch is a reminder that I am healing because I would watch murder and mess on television and wouldn’t flinch, and now it bothers me. I am extremely empathetic. I can read a post on social media and cry. I can listen to a song and cry. My pain tolerance and even other people’s pain is lower. And that is because I am becoming a lot more emotionally mature. I am in tune with what I’m feeling. I’m not avoiding it, denying it, or downplaying it. I feel what I feel.

My body is not in fight or flight—it is resting, so when pain occurs, I actually feel it. And that is a surprising way to tell that you are healing.

*I go into this a bit more, so tune into the full episode for me.

Another surprising way to tell you are healing is that you are resting more and sleeping better. You want to sleep more. You want to rest more. This is actually another sign that you are exiting or have exited fight or flight. Your body is at rest again. You are regulated. Your mind is clear. You are not suffering from insomnia at night. Your thoughts are not overtaking you as soon as you get into bed. When you are sleeping and resting better, that is a surprising sign that you are healing.

I came across this experience right after my grandmother and my dad transitioned. I had been staying up throughout the night. That is how “I Hope This Helps” the book was actually born. I had my phone resting under my pillow. I would toss and turn, thanks to my thoughts. I was on the phone with doctors day in and day out as my dad’s condition worsened. And as soon as they both transitioned, I slept. I slept through the night. I rested during the day.

Sometimes resting and sleeping are signs of depression. So it is important to note the other things that are occurring in your life at the time you are seeking more rest and sleep. But if everything else is clear, and you just get more much needed rest and sleep, that is a surprising sign you are healing.

Sign number six is more decisive. When you become more decisive, you’re making more decisions. You’re not hiding behind, I don’t know. You’re choosing what you want for dinner, where you wanna go on the date, and what you wanna wear for work. You are present in your life. You have more clarity and you’re making choices. That is a surprising sign that you are healing.

Number seven, you make plans for the future. This is another big one for me. I take note of my immediate thought when my friend says, “Let’s go to Maui for my birthday next year.” If my response is, “Next year? I don’t know what I’m going to do tomorrow.” I know that I need to do some more work. When I can think about it, or give an immediate answer I know that I am settled into my life. I am present to what is going on. I am optimistic. I am hopeful, and I am healing.

One of the prayers that I share often is: I pray you stop replaying your past and start planning your future.

Future planning is a sure sign that you are confident that you will be here, that you will be present, that you have the resources, and the calling to show up for your future.

Number eight, you use your voice. You speak up for yourself. You speak your piece. You have something to say during conversations. You have thoughts about things that interest you. You are using your voice to express how you feel and what you are thinking. You are speaking up more. You want to have conversations with friends.

Number nine, you have less somatic symptoms. So somatic means of the body. Symptoms that are somatic are things like backache, headache, joint pain, neck pain, and tension. Those are signs that you are anxious, unsettled in your life, and there is a lot going on. When you start to feel fewer headaches, less pain in your back, neck, and joints, that is a sign that you are regulated and that you are at peace.

I had headaches to the point where I almost didn’t graduate from high school. I got called to the office and told that I had too many unexcused absences. And most of the time when I was not in school, it was because I had debilitating headaches. My headaches were so bad that I was vomiting, nauseated, my vision was blurred, and I was in bed for hours, days, and weeks at a time. I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with migraines, and took that to the office at school. But I needed to bring a note from the doctor for every absence, so I ran to the doctor, got all my notes together, and I was able to graduate.

When I went away to college, I don’t remember having a single headache during the first year of school. Not a single headache. And what I realized is that I was away from all of the activation and triggering that was going on in my family. Getting some distance from that, all of a sudden, no headaches. Years after that, very few headaches. And now whenever I have consistent headaches, I am activated, I am triggered, and I am dysregulated.

The last surprising way to tell that you are healing that I will share for now is that you are boundaried.

You get a boundary, you get a boundary, you get a boundary! – In my Oprah voice.

You are handing out boundaries left and right. You are protecting your heart. You are protecting your peace. You are protecting your relationships. You are protecting your work—that is a sign that you are healing. When you are aware of the need for a boundary, you are healing. When you are confident and comfortable enough to set the boundary in your relationship with others, with yourself, and at work, you are healing. That is a beautiful sign that you are actually doing your work. Just as beautiful as not tolerating foolishness.

You may think that because you are setting boundaries, that means you are mean. That you are not as empathetic, but that is not the case. Remember, boundaries are things we set with people we want to be in a relationship with. Boundaries preserve ourselves, and they preserve our relationships. It is a good thing to live a boundaried life.

So I just shared 10 ways to tell that you are healing:

You are less activated and triggered.
It takes you less time to recover from a negative event, circumstance, or situation.
You have a lower tolerance for foolishness.
You have a lower tolerance for pain.
You are sleeping and resting better and more.
You are more decisive.
You have plans for the future. You are hopeful and optimistic.
You use your voice to speak your peace and your peace.
You have less somatic symptoms. You are completely regulated. No back, neck, or joint pain.
You are boundaried.

I want to know, have you experienced these or other things?

If you can’t relate to these, make a list of your own. Start The Daily Set Up so that you can keep track of your progress, because even though it’s not happening outwardly, and it seems there is no tangible way to tell that you are putting in the work, you are in fact putting in the work. It’s happening in your heart, in your mind, in your body, and in your spirit.

Until next time, beloved, I hope this helps.