The Cost Of Self-Betrayal

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Hey Beloved, I'm Nakeia

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“You deserve to live your truth.”

Self-betrayal is one of those tender subjects that requires both compassion and accountability. Often, it manifests in our lives from childhood experiences and societal pressures. Through self-awareness, a strong desire to heal, and a few practices you can start implementing today, you can break the pattern of self-betrayal.

This episode is the next step in reconnecting with yourself.

Heads up, get your tissues ready…

Often, when we are healing, growing, and becoming who we are meant to be, we address the people who have prevented us from doing that thus far. The people who stand in the way, or the people who contribute to who we used to be. But what I’ve come to learn about healing, growth, personal development, and purpose is that our focus is better spent on the one thing we can control: ourselves.

I try not to point the finger because I can’t control the person I’m pointing the finger at. If the person is my parent, I can’t control them. If the person is my partner, I can’t control them. If the person is my kid, I can’t even control that. But you know who and what I can control? I can control who I am and how I show up in my life.

Today we are going to talk about one thing you may need to get control of: self-betrayal.

We are going to talk about the cost of self-betrayal.

Unpacking Self-Betrayal

So, in case you don’t know, self-betrayal is the act of hiding, censoring, and silencing yourself when you think who you are is too much or not good enough. It’s the act of pretending you are okay when you are not. It’s the act of going against your own good for someone else’s comfort. It’s keeping someone else’s peace at the expense of your own. It’s ignoring your intuition. It’s violating your own standards, values, and desires to meet someone else’s. It’s upholding cultural and traditional standards against your personal will. It’s saying “yes” when you mean “no”.

Self-betrayal is treasonous. It is a treasonous act that you commit against yourself. Often, self-betrayal begins in childhood. We learn to follow orders and to do what others want to be loved, validated, accepted, and cared for. Our entire existence relies on someone else deciding to show up for us, feed and clothe us, and keep us safe and protected. Unfortunately, sometimes we have to do things just to get those basic needs met.

Self-betrayal can also develop later on in life. After you feel rejected, after being punished or chastised for being who you are… When there’s a consequence for showing up as yourself. In other words, when you said no to something, and there was a negative consequence, or, and this is important to note, if you’ve experienced abuse of any kind—Sometimes just to keep yourself safe, you had to betray your own good.

Those experiences teach us that love and acceptance are conditional. So we do whatever we need to do, even at our own expense, to meet those conditions.

People who betray themselves often become disconnected from their own truth. They experience diminished self-trust. It’s like, I can’t even trust myself because I don’t know who I am anymore. I have contorted myself into this version of me that is loved, but I don’t recognize who I am, what I think, and what I want—so I don’t trust it.

People who betray themselves have lower self-esteem. They often struggle to achieve goals, maintain a stable life, a stable relationship, or stable anything, really.

Often, people who betray themselves experience anxiety and stress. They harbor feelings of anger, resentment, and bitterness…

How do I know this? Because I am someone who has betrayed myself. I have worked with clients from all over the world, all kinds of backgrounds and stories, and the thread is there… This thread of instability, low self-esteem, difficulty maintaining or creating a stable life, difficulty remembering who you are, what you want, and what you said you would do. And if you have been betraying yourself, I can imagine that you also relate.

The purpose of today’s conversation is awareness. We don’t always know when we are betraying ourselves or understand the impact of self-betrayal, because again, we do it because we think that is the only way we will get our needs met. But I want to give you some new things to consider…

The Cost Of Self-Betrayal

If you have been trying to figure out why you are so unhappy or get to the root of this resentment that has been building up over time, it could be self-betrayal. If you have been wondering why you feel so misaligned, disconnected, and discontented with your life, it could be self-betrayal. If you don’t know why you are so angry and bitter and acting out of character, it could be self-betrayal.

I am guilty of betraying myself for the comfort of others and then getting mad that they’re so comfortable. I am guilty of making sure that everyone else in my life is at peace while my peace is over here wrecked and then get mad because they look so peaceful and so happy and so content. And here I am angry and bitter and out of character.

It’s self-betrayal. I did it to myself.

The cost of self-betrayal is your peace, your truth, your purpose, meaningful relationships, your happiness, your joy, and your authentic power.

When you are always censoring yourself and contorting yourself and changing yourself and denying yourself, your true self isn’t present. Your true power isn’t in the room. And so we need to work through some ways, or talk through some ways, that we can heal self-betrayal.

Practices That Heal Self-Betrayal

Self-compassion

You have been doing what you felt you needed to do to survive, to be accepted, loved, and validated. Belonging is so vital to our existence. We often do whatever we have to do to experience it. So I want you to have compassion for yourself because you were doing what you thought you needed to do.

There is a reason for me not showing up at my best. I strive to be my best. I crave to be the highest version of myself. I crave living God’s expression of me here on earth. If I’m not doing that, something’s up. And so we have to have compassion for the “something.”

If you are not showing up at your best, there is a deficit. There is a hole. There is a drain. There is something up. Have compassion while we work to fill that, while we work to heal that, while we work to become whole.

I used to brag about how observant I was of other people, their expressions on their faces, their bodies, how they moved, what they needed. If someone were too cold in my home, I could tell. If they were hot, hungry, thirsty, I knew. I would brag about that. But you know where that came from? It came from growing up in a home where I was surrounded by a couple of drug addicts who would occasionally make our house a trap house. And I had to make sure that I was extremely observant, that I knew what was going on, what was needed, how to keep myself safe. That is why I developed that skill. It is a trauma response. And often that is how we are showing up in our lives today.

Have compassion for the little version of you who learn to meet everyone else’s needs, but yours. Have compassion for the version of you who kept yourself safe by people pleasing, even if it meant at your expense. Show love, care, and tenderness to that version of yourself because you did what you had to do.

For those who are listening, I think this might be the first time I’m crying in an episode, but these tears are for little Nakeia and little you. Scared Nakeia and scared you. Anxious Nakeia and anxious you. Bravo for doing what we had to do.

Identify your patterns.

What are your acts of self-betrayal? What do you do that is treasonous to your own body? That is treasonous to your own life? That is treasonous to who you are? How can you show up differently?

Are you saying yes when you mean no?

Are you pretending to be okay when you are not?

Are you angry and bitter because everyone else is happy, and you haven’t paid attention to what makes you happy?

Evaluate your relationships.

Are they aligned? Are you surrounded by your people? Do you need new people in your life?

These are valid questions, if you are constantly betraying yourself in your relationships. Remember, we do this when we think we need to do to survive. So even if the person is “good”, but they are allowing you to go against your own good, you need to evaluate that.

Reconsider relationships with people where you are always the one making all the plans, doing all the work, paying for everything, and showing up for everything. They should question why they never have to do those things in the relationship. They should ask, “Hey, do you need me to help this week?” And if they are not, you have to get your needs met. You have to ask for what you need. If they are offended when you ask, you may need new people in your life.

Reconnect with yourself.

Date yourself for a change. Reflect on the questions you would ask someone you are getting to know. What are your needs, your core values, your personal truth, your goals? Spend some time just getting to know this version of you, and uncover the version of yourself that you are desperate to become.

Reconnect with the truth of who you are. Start saying truthful statements every day, all day. Don’t allow yourself to pretend, shrink, hide, or lie.

Show up as yourself.

Every piece of you deserves to be at peace with you. – All The Right Pieces

You have to refuse to show up in spaces where all of you isn’t welcome. Show up as yourself, speak and use your voice. Say what you want, express how you feel, laugh how you wanna laugh. Listen to the music that you wanna listen to. Wear the clothes because you want to wear them. Do the things that are authentic to who you are truly.

Moment Of Reflection

Anyone or anything that requires you to betray yourself isn’t worth having. What did I just say? That was amazing. Anyone and anything that requires you to betray yourself isn’t worth having. Being completely disconnected from yourself is too high of a price to pay. It’s too costly.

You deserve to live your truth. Be who you are meant to be and experience wholeness. Find your way back and commit to never losing or betraying yourself again.

Practice self-compassion. Identify your patterns. Evaluate your relationships. Reconnect with yourself. And show up as yourself.

Until next time, beloved, I hope this helps.