Hard Truths For A Soft Life

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Every week, I share stories, lessons, encouragement, and practical healing and growth practices from my life and work with others.

Hey Beloved, I'm Nakeia

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“You may have to work hard for a soft life.”

So I’ve struggled to join the conversation around the soft life at times because what always seems to be missing from the conversation is the hard work that it takes to experience it.

To get to your soft life. Depending on where you are and your journey, the ease, the peace, the contentment, the joy, and the good love that you desire are on the other side of whatever mountain that’s in front of you right now, whatever valley you are working your way through, or whatever hole you are trying to dig yourself out of. At least that has been my experience.

I wish we all had this beautiful story from start to finish, but for some of us, it’s beauty for ashes. Some of us will undoubtedly have to work hard for a soft life. And today I just want to share a few of those hard truths that we will have to work through to experience our soft life.

Hard Truths

Sometimes people aren’t letting us down—we are letting ourselves down by expecting them to be someone they are not or give us something that they don’t have.

When these conversations around a soft life are taking place, often soft relationships or soft love, or soft engagement and connection is a part of that conversation. But to get to that place where you are experiencing those kinds of relationships, we have to have real conversations about the people in our lives and what we are expecting of them.

I used to think I had a very difficult struggle with my relationship with my dad. I thought that I had this huge struggle with the relationship I had with a friend of mine in the past. But the truth is, the struggle was within me. I was expecting things from them that they didn’t have to give. I was expecting them to be who I wanted them to be, but not who they truly were. Not who they truly even had the capacity to be. And so if I want to get to those soft relationships, if I want to experience those soft connections, I need to be very real about my expectations. I may need to lower them so that they meet the person where they are, especially if I want them to remain in my life. I may have to adjust them just for a moment. I may need to raise them. Sometimes our standards are too low. And we are struggling in our relationships because our needs aren’t being met. We need to raise the standards. Get to a new level in our relationships. Sometimes with the people we are connected to, and sometimes with new people. So if we want soft relationships, we need soft expectations. Or we need to raise them.

Some things will not get better. That’s just a fact. Some things will get worse if we don’t do something about it.

One of the things I like to share with clients is that we need to reserve our optimism for experiences, opportunities, and people that warrant it. I want you to be optimistic, but not when it comes to a sorry situation. Not when it comes to a negative relationship or a toxic relationship. Not when it comes to an environment that you need to excuse yourself from. You can’t be optimistic about something toxic, harmful, or detrimental to your well-being and to your growth. So reserve your optimism and get into your work of changing things,

If you trust the open doors, you have to trust the closed ones too.

What makes facing those closed doors hard is that you lack trust in the fact that it wasn’t your door—or you lack confidence in breaking your way through when necessary. So you’re standing in front of this closed door, and you’re like, “Why does everything have to be so hard for me?” “Why can’t I get into my opportunities for love and career and magic with more ease?”

The truth is you’re standing in front of a door that doesn’t belong to you. You’re in a relationship that is not aligned with you. You are going after an opportunity that is not yours. You are comparing your life to someone else’s and trying to make things happen and finagle your way through when the truth is it’s just not yours. You have to trust that what is yours is out there.

So when a door closes for me or when an opportunity is not going well, my mind immediately goes to the fact that this is not my door. This is hard because I’m not supposed to be here. This is difficult because this is not my thing. I’m gonna go over there where my thing is. I’m going to stand in front of the open door and get away from this closed one. I’m going after the opportunities that come with ease and softness. If it’s hard, it’s not mine.

Now, I want to say this: some things take work. You’re going to have to press, you’re going to have to push, you’re going to have to work at some things. And it may feel hard—and just because it feels hard doesn’t mean it’s not yours. It may mean it’s new. It may mean you need a little help. It may mean you are in the middle of your strength-building or growth season. And those things are often difficult. But it doesn’t remain difficult, remain closed, or remain a struggle. And that’s how you’ll know.

So if you trust the open doors, you have to trust the closed ones too. You soften the experience through faith, through trust, and through courage to break through, or move around, or move on to your door.

It may be time to address the elephant in the room. I told you, beloved, you may have to work hard for your soft life. And that means we are not going to be silent about the things that matter to us. We are not going to allow someone to just act a fool in our lives and not say anything about it. Your relationships are hard because you are not speaking up. Your silence may be keeping you from experiencing the soft life you want to live. You may be one boundary away from the peace that you deserve. You may be one conversation, or confrontation if you’ve read Habits for Healing, from releasing the tension in your body and finally getting a good night’s sleep. You may be one breakup away from your breakthrough.

I want you to hear this: self-silence is often self-betrayal.

You gotta speak yourself life into existence, beloved.

Everything costs everything.

This is a lesson I drive home to my kids. This is a lesson I drive home to my clients. And I have to remind myself that everything costs. Everything. Even if you didn’t have to pay for it, someone did. Someone a generation or two before you paid for the peace that you are experiencing in your mind right now, in your heart right now.

The house you want to live in. It costs

The relationship you want to experience. It costs

The career you want, the peace you want, the health you desire… It all comes at a price.

Keep in mind that the work you are putting in now is for the life you will benefit from later. Remember, it costs, even if you don’t have to pay for it, and it costs, and you may be paying for it right now, but everything costs. So you think that you are not experiencing your soft life because you are paying for peace right now, that you will experience later. You are working through some heartbreak right now so that you can experience good love later. You are healing generational trauma now so that you and your children can enjoy an amazing life. Everything costs.

Some people should have absolutely no place in your life.

I’m sticking to this theme of people because this is what I’m hearing when I hear about the soft life. There are some people who should have absolutely no place in your life. And this may sound harsh, but it is a necessary measure when it comes to the people who lack accountability in your life, who lack healing, and who have not changed their behavior. You gotta stay away from people who hurt you. It’s just that simple. You must distance yourself from people who contribute chaos to your life. They’re contributing chaos.

They’re bringing chaos to your life, not peace.

They’re bringing upset to your life, not regulation.

They’re bringing toxicity to the relationship, not love and loyalty and peace and ease and tenderness.

Why are these people in your life, beloved? Why are you having the same conversation about the same people? Why are you experiencing the same hurt from the same family member? Yes, I’m talking about your family. Boundaries are for family too. Distance is for family too. Some people are not accepting accountability for what they’ve done to you, who have not changed, and there is a risk of future harm, and they are related to you, so you need to go no contact.

Yes, you may have to talk to your therapist about it. Yes, you may have to book a one-on-one session with me so we can set some goals and strategize. I can walk you through that season of distance. But yes, your family, your friends, and your ex need to be out of your life.

You do not and cannot determine your value in someone else’s life.

This is a big one that I’ve seen people struggle with. This is a big one that is preventing people from experiencing soft relationships. You don’t and cannot determine your value in someone else’s life because it is determined by what is valuable to them. It depends on their needs, their desires, and their level of healing, not yours. So that means you must stop working harder to be valuable and go where you are already needed, desired, seen, and aligned. You don’t have a soft life because you are forcing and chasing and being desperate, and that doesn’t look good on you. That is not a good look for you.

Go where you are already valued. That means the person sees you and thinks, yes, this is what I need. Not yes, but I’ma need you to change. I’m gonna need you to alter yourself. I’m gonna need you to shrink yourself. I’m gonna need you to censor yourself. No, that is not love. That is not alignment, and that is not deep connection. Go where you are already a good fit. Someone said, “Go where you are appreciated and not tolerated.” I say, go where you are loved and not expected to change and earn it and work for it and beg for it. So the lesson is you don’t and cannot determine your value in someone else’s life.

Final Thoughts

You may have to work hard for a soft life.

You’ve heard me say that before, and I will say it again and again and again.

I want to talk about living that soft life, and I’m living it—but I had to work hard for it, and so will you.

The work you are putting in in your relationship, in your career, and in your health and your well-being will get you to the other side of that mountain I talked about earlier. You will get through that valley that I described, and you will receive your beauty for ashes. But you’re gonna have to work for it.

Until next time, Beloved… I hope this helps.