Ask Nakeia: Lesson From Heartbreak

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Every week, I share stories, lessons, encouragement, and practical healing and growth practices from my life and work with others.

Hey Beloved, I'm Nakeia

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“Heartbreak will teach you never to settle again.”

We are back with the Ask Nakeia series, where I answer a question from a listener. You can submit your questions to be answered on the podcast at thepodcast@nakeiahomer.com.

After I shared this particular post on social media, I received a question:

Give your energy to people you don’t have to heal from.

The message I received was from someone who said she was ghosted by someone she was really into, and this was her first time being vulnerable and open to a relationship after her marriage ended. It was very difficult. She thought they were in love.

You have this marriage that ends, and then you finally open up and start dating, and then this person ghosts you… What’s the first thing that you’re gonna do? You’re gonna think something is wrong with you. You’re gonna question your discernment. You’re gonna tell yourself that you were stupid… All of the things that Beloved said she did. I’m sure you can relate.

Question

“Your work has been helpful. I’ve been leaning on God for healing, but I wanted to know if you could help me learn the lesson in this.”

Answer

Out of everything that I’ve ever experienced in life, I always say that heartbreak is one of the most destabilizing experiences, ever.

Heartbreak hurts like nothing I’ve ever experienced.

It tests your sense of self.

It makes you question your worth, your beauty, your senses, like everything.

It makes you feel like you are completely out of control of your emotions. One minute you’re happy it’s over because you know the truth about the relationship. The next minute, you’re sad it’s over. The next minute after that, you’re angry that they’re not picking up and answering because you’re trying to find closure.

Heartbreak turns you into a literal stalker. A stalker, beloved.

And it exhausts your heart.

Heartbreak is one of those things that I truly beef with God about. Like, “God, you couldn’t intervene before it started to hurt. Like, you couldn’t intervene before all this stuff went down?!” Because, once again, heartbreak really hurts.

I get a visceral feeling of heartbreak of any kind. I feel it in my body. It feels like my heart is literally about to fall through my body. I don’t like it. And I don’t personally feel like heartbreaker is reserved for just intimate partner relationships because I truly experienced my first heartbreak when I found out that my dad was a drug addict and he started to show up in our relationship differently. That was my first real heartbreak. It was heartbreaking to know that that version of my daddy would no longer exist.

Then I experienced true heartbreak with my first love. And then that same person broke my heart again. I experienced heartbreak when opportunities were lost, and things didn’t pan out the way I thought they would. Heartbreak is one of those things that we can experience in many different forms, and it hurts no matter how it comes. No matter how it’s served, it hurts.

You may not relate to being ghosted by someone or a ten-year marriage ending, but you know what it feels like for something not to work out the way you want it to. You know how the heartbreak of failed plans feels, the heartbreak of a negative diagnosis.

Lessons From Heart

Hurt will teach you how to look for signs.

When something is going to end, like an opportunity, a business, or something else, there are signs. In relationships, there are signs. The person isn’t as attentive as they used to be. They’re not as available as they used to be. You sense this distance from the person, even when you’re in a shared space.

When it’s an opportunity, like a business or something like that, there is progress, and then all of a sudden, things start to stall. Things are starting to fall through. Things are no longer working out. What used to work is no longer working. You’re pivoting, you’re getting all the help that you can get, you’re trying, and it’s just not working out. There are signs when something is coming to an end. And when your heart is broken, it’s a reminder to always heed the sign.

To take the signs seriously.

Heartbreak will reveal the boundaries you need in your life.

Boundaries keep you safe and supported in your relationships. And when you are no longer safe and supported, hey, that is a sign, beloved. You need to ask for what you need and believe the answers you get. If you are talking to a new partner or your husband or your wife, and you are asking for your needs to be met, and they are refusing, that’s an answer. That’s information. That is something that you need to address immediately.

So the lesson is to set safeguards in your relationships and in your life that protect you against hurt and harm.

What boundaries were missing, even with yourself?

In the case of the person who wrote to me, Let’s call her “Marie.” Marie was ghosted—and she described the ghosting as “brutal.” I don’t know what that means for her, but I assume it was hurtful, harmful, and repeated.

So after the first time you reach out and there’s no reach back, I understand reaching out again. Hey, something may have happened. Maybe they didn’t get the message. Maybe they had to stay late for work. I understand reaching out again. Now, the second time you’re being ghosted, that’s a repeat offense. I wouldn’t subject myself to repeated ghosting. I’m going to set boundaries for myself that will protect me in this relationship. So I’m going to say things like, “Okay, I’m not going to assume that something negative is happening here. I’m going to ask…” When I ask, if I don’t get an answer, that is an answer. It is information confirming that I need to move on with my life. That’s the boundary.

I’m only going to reach out twice. I’m only going to allow this person to do this once before I expect a behavior change. That’s the boundary. I’m not going to allow myself to chase, force, or try to manipulate a relationship into working out. That is the boundary. When I see that it is ending, I’m going to give myself closure. That is the boundary.

Heartbreak inspires new levels of healing.

Heartbreak shows you what you need to heal within yourself. You can ask questions like:

Did I settle? Did I lose myself in this relationship? Did I allow this relationship to distract me from my purpose? Did I tolerate too much in this relationship, and why?

As we dig into these questions, into these prompts, we find areas we need to address in our healing.

Why am I tolerating this?

Why am I settling here?

What are my fears?

What are my struggles?

Why am I allowing myself to be distracted?

Why am I forcing and chasing?

What do I need to heal within myself?

So it allows you to heal more. I shared being hurt by the same person twice. I had to ask myself, why did I go back? Because in all reality, when I went back, it was against my better judgment. I told myself, if this person didn’t choose you the first time, they may not choose you again. Don’t subject yourself to chasing, to forcing, but I did it anyway. And I realized I needed to heal that in myself. There was some codependency. I was trying to make it work out because it didn’t work out the first time. And I felt like that would make me feel better if it worked out. There were some things that I was searching for that I thought I could only find in that person. And I needed to expand my heart, and my definition of love, so that I could see that I was the one bringing what I needed to the table. And I could take that wherever new love led me. I could experience that same level of love and deep connection somewhere else. It wasn’t just attached to the person.

This is something that I want you to lean into tenderly… Sometimes there is no lesson and no good reason. So you have to assign one.

So you’re looking for the lesson. What is the lesson here? Is it me? Is it my boundaries? Is it the signs I didn’t see? You’re looking, working on your healing, and you’re like, there was nothing. There were no signs. I didn’t experience anything that told me I needed to erect a boundary. There is no overt level of healing I missed here.

Sometimes there is no good reason. The person was a jerk. The person was a manipulator. The person was a cheater. That is it. If it helps to move forward, you can assign something to it. Reframes like:

I had a good time. I needed some goodness in my life.

In this season of my life, this person provided a level of comfort I needed. And now I need to learn to comfort myself.

Just because it didn’t last doesn’t mean it was never meant to be.

Just because you experience love in this relationship doesn’t mean you can’t experience it in another. The person was a jerk. They ghosted you. They’re a sucker. They run. That is the reason you are hurt. And whatever you choose to assign to it from this point on is your choice. Let it be the closure you need to move forward.

They weren’t good enough for me.

I deserve better.

I didn’t need to rush into that relationship right after my heartbreak. I needed to give myself more time, not to heal, not to set boundary, but just to see who I was and to learn what I like.

Maybe those are the assigned lessons.

Sometimes it happens just because it happens.

Heartbreak teaches you how to protect yourself.

After that second heartbreak, I promised myself I would never allow myself to be hurt like that again, and I haven’t. I will never wait for someone to choose me again, and I haven’t. I will choose myself from this point on, and I have. Heartbreak taught me how to protect myself. Maybe that is the lesson here, beloved.

I want to leave you with something that I wrote right after that second round of heartbreak, and I titled it Dear Rejection:

Dear Rejection,

Thanks for the heads up.

Thanks for redirecting my focus. Thanks for showing me who’s for me and who’s not. Thanks for protecting me from things I didn’t see coming. Thanks for teaching me to protect my own heart. Thank you for reminding me that what is for me will not pass.

Finally, rejection, thanks for showing me the importance of not allowing myself to want anything or anyone that doesn’t want me.

With love, everyone who has ever been rejected.

Until next time, beloved, I hope this helps.