How To Know What To Pursue

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Every week, I share stories, lessons, encouragement, and practical healing and growth practices from my life and work with others.

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“Pursue them all.”

So recently someone said to me, What don’t you do?

What don’t you do? Is exactly how she said it.

This is a question I’ve been asked many times over the years, and I understand why. I do many things well, and I wish that were just a brag, but the truth is it’s a trauma response. To survive my childhood, the literal hood, generational patterns, and just life, I’ve had to learn to be good at many things. And for the purpose of this podcast, I updated my Things I Do Well list. And I landed on I don’t know how many things. I didn’t count them, but I’m gonna share that list with you today:

I can cook, I can clean, I can dance. (Believe it or not, I used to be part of an African dance company in college, and I taught dance right after college.) I write books. I write songs. I’m an award-winning songwriter. I write curriculum. I can teach, speak, and manage cross-functional teams. I can manage operations and manage projects. I do business taxes. I’ve litigated copyright infringement, published music, and self-published books. I am a makeup artist. (If you ask my bestie, I’m one of her favorite makeup artists.) I build websites and do graphic design. I’ve worked in relapse prevention. I’ve written parole reports. I was an expert witness. I can change a tire. I can record, produce, and edit podcasts and music. And I’m gonna stop there because that is just a few of the things that I have been paid, well, to do. There are more.

Most of those things I’ve done to survive. Others I’ve done for the passion of it all. And a few of them I am actually called and purposed to do. But I know I am not the only one. You are part of this community… You are listening to this podcast because you too have learned to do a lot of things, well—things you had to learn to do to survive and/or because you’re passionate about it. You are called to it. It is part of your purpose.

You are a multi-hyphenate being. You do many things well, and I’m sure that if you and I were sitting across from each other over ice-cold Pepsi or a cup of tea, coffee, or water—whatever you choose, because I’m drinking Pepsi—we’d talk about all of the things that we actually do very, very well.

I have learned over the years that being the person who can do many things well, being the one that someone eventually asks, “What don’t you do?”, can be both a blessing and a burden, especially when you don’t know which one to focus on. You may be questioning your focus right now in this season of your life.

Should I start the business or take the promotion on the job?

Should I focus on making more money or starting my family?

Should I turn my love of baking bread into a business or just do it for the love?

You can go ahead and [insert what you’ve been deliberating over right here]

Because today we are going to talk about how to decide what to pursue.

But before I get into how to decide, I just want to drop off a couple of notes for you to consider:

Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. Just because you can cook doesn’t mean you should start a business cooking, just because you can doesn’t mean you should start writing books.

Some of the gifts, talents, skills, abilities…all of the things you do well are just for you. Some of those things—not all of them, but some of those things have been deposited into your heart, your mind, your spirit, your hands, and your abilities, just for you, your family, your best friend, your community…

It is important to be discerning about what you should do for passion and what you should do for profit. Not everything you are passionate about is something someone else will see value in.

Just because you can doesn’t mean you are called. My friend and I talk about how much she loves it when I do her makeup and how I actually had Makeup by Nakeia (My very first business) in operation for years. But I know, and I knew back then, that it wasn’t my calling. The same is true for music. I am an award-winning songwriter. I’ve made money—a lot of money as a writer and publisher. My songs were singles on the radio, performed on television and across the world, but that’s not what I was called to do. It’s just something I was talented at, skilled at, and even gifted at. But it wasn’t what I was called to do for the rest of my life, I should say. I was actually called to do that for a season. The phone literally rang, and a record executive was on the other end asking me for a song.

But how do we know what we are called to do?

How do we know what we should focus on?

How do we know?

What passion should be our pursuit in this season of our lives?

Like most things, when I’m asked a question, I throw back questions.

1. What do you, the people you love, and the people you are called to need from you in this season? What is being asked of you more often these days? What are your friends texting? What is your boss asking you for on the job? What are your employees seeking if you are in business? Right? What are you being asked for in this season?

2. What can you do with the most ease? All of those things that I shared with you, I do with ease nowadays. I’ve been doing most of them most of my life.

3. What are you benefiting from the most? What would give you the biggest return on your investment of time, energy, and talent? This is important because often we are distracted by what we see other people benefiting from in their lives, and that may not be on your list of things that are needed in this season.

4. What will make the biggest impact in your life right now? You have goals. You have desires. Your children have needs. You and your spouse/partner have planned a life together. What would make the biggest impact if you focused on it for the next three to six months or maybe a year?

5. What will contribute to your healing, growth, and well-being the most in this season of your life? Sometimes your being well is aligned with what you do for others.

“What Do I Pursue?” Case Study

So I want to show you what this looks like, what this workshop of identifying what to pursue in this season of your life looks like through the lens of my client work.

I had a client who was a very high-impact lawyer. All lawyers are high-impact, but she climbed the ladder to success relatively swiftly. She made partner. She was doing her thing. Had the corner office… All was well. She was also a wife and a mom. And she was very passionate about all three of those things. Being a lawyer, being a wife, being a mom.

She also really loved hosting, cooking, and interior design. I remember her showing me pictures of her tablescapes. I remember looking at videos of Thanksgiving at her place. I mean, she did a really amazing job of opening her home to the people that she knew and loved. It looked like a time was being had. I’m like, “Invite me!” That’s how amazing it looked. She started watching people online, though. And they were doing what she was doing, but on a level she thought she should be doing it. She was only hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas, but every time she logged into Facebook, she saw people on social media hosting more often.

She felt she was working so much, always with the kids. She wanted to host more often. She started to feel a bit depressed. It was like she had done all these things and amassed all the success, but she didn’t love it. She wasn’t benefiting from it internally. Her heart, her mind, her spirit weren’t in it anymore. She was doing it for the sake of doing it, doing it to live up to her reputation among friends and family, and doing it because she had made partner—and she felt she’d lost her way.

When she came to me, she was at a crossroads. Am I going to quit my job as a lawyer and be a stay-at-home mom who hosts and runs the soccer league, and is the person who brings the gift bags and the the snacks and treats to all the games?

My advice was like most of my advice. It started with questions: Who told you that you had to choose? Who told you that you had to choose between being a lawyer and being a mother? Who told you that you had to choose between your weekend soirees and soccer? Why can’t you put all of those things on your calendar when you want to do them? Why does it need to be a business for you to take it seriously?

She saw other women leaving corporate jobs to be homemakers, and she felt she wasn’t as good a mother, wife, and lawyer.

What we landed on brought her so much joy in a short amount of time. She went from being depressed, questioning her life, questioning her skills, questioning her marriage, her lifestyle, her mothering, to feeling the joy of just living her life on her terms.

The first thing we did was uncover what her family needed from her in that season of her life. Soccer was in session. Her husband was very supportive. He was taking up a lot of the slack himself as a professional and as a father and husband. So they put a calendar together that worked for both of them and got everything done. Not only that, she started a blog. She didn’t talk about sponsorship. She didn’t think about advertising. She just put up the pictures that she used to post only on Facebook on her blog.

Just the joy of having a home for all of her beautiful work—her tablescapes, her backdrops, the kids at soccer, the snack bags she made, her plaques at work, her outfits at work, and even date nights—brought her joy and created a community for her. Her blog was for working mothers who were also wives and loved the things that she loved.

Now it’s turned into more. She’s monetized it. But back then, her passion didn’t have to turn a profit. It didn’t have to bring in money. It had to bring in joy. She needed the alignment. She didn’t need it for the post. She needed it for her well-being. She stopped questioning herself, her talents, her passion, her gifts, her skills, and made room in her life for them all.

The Lesson

So what is the lesson in this? There are several.

The first lesson is that different seasons require different versions of you.

The same wife and mom who was talking about blogging in the season of her life that we were working together didn’t think about a blog or a tablescape when she was in law school. When she was making partner, when she was staying late nights, coming in early in the morning, and working all weekend long. It wasn’t even a thought. Years later, when there was more space in her life for it, then it came up. So this version of her life, this version of herself, wanted more.

There will be times to pursue it all when you are intentional.

The second lesson that we can uncover is that pursuing the things you love is for you, too. And sometimes, it’s for you only. So your passions are not just for others to see, they are for you to enjoy. They are for your family to benefit from.

Another lesson is to find a way to pursue what you love based on your reality—not what others are doing.

Comparing yourself to other people will get you out of alignment quicker than any other thing in life. Keep your eyes on your own life, your eyes on your own journey, and continue to fall in love with your own pace.

Another lesson: there is actually a better question than “What should I pursue?” The question is,'”What or who do I need to be in this season of my life?

When I think about the word “pursue,” I think about doing, going, and showing up. When I think about “who I need to be in this season of my life,” I think about embodying something. I think about grounding myself in something. The reason so many people think that I do so many things well is that I sat in the seat of those things long enough to perfect them. Long enough to be really good at them. Long enough to use them to survive.

Final Thoughts

So if you are questioning what to pursue in this season of your life, if you are questioning whether you are good at something in comparison to what other people are good at, if you are trying to decide if you should pursue something or nothing at all, I want to leave you with the same questions I asked my client:

Who told you you had to choose?

Why does it need to be a business for you to take it seriously?

What do you need?

Who do you need to be?

In this season of your life, pursue it all. You guys know when we talk about dating and love, I say date them all. Today I’m telling you to pursue them all. Maybe not all in this season, maybe not all at one time, maybe not as this version of you, but they are in you for a reason.

You have the vision for a reason. You have the skill for a reason. You have the desire for a reason. And the reason, beloved, is you.

Until next time, I hope this helps.