10 Things You Should Stop Doing Right Now

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Hey Beloved, I'm Nakeia

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“Sometimes it’s the things we stop doing that ignite major shifts in our lives.”

The next right action isn’t always obvious.

There can be a struggle in deciding what to do next. Should you stay or should you go? Should you pursue the friendship or let it end? Should you believe in your dream or be more realistic? Those are questions many of us have had to deliberate over—and it can be even more difficult to decide when we are navigating things like anxiety, low self-esteem, or toxic family dynamics.

Whenever I don’t know what to do, I focus on things I can stop doing that would make moving forward easier. This is a practice I’ve shared with clients over the years, and in today’s episode, I’m sharing it with you. What can you stop doing right now that would give you more peace, more clarity, more confidence, more health, and wealth?

To help inspire your next move, let’s dive in…

Ten Things You Should Stop Doing Right Now

1. Stop letting the part of you that feels unworthy speak for you.

I wrote something a little while ago, actually a few years ago, and it was during a few moments, because I only give myself a few moments for things like this, where doubt was really setting in. I was uncertain of my skill in a particular area. I don’t know why, because the evidence was there that I was actually good at this thing. I had been hired to do this thing over and over again, but in this moment, I felt doubtful. And this is what I said to myself:

Stop letting the part of you that feels unworthy speak for you. It will have you saying yes when you need to say no. It will keep you silent during moments when you need to speak up for yourself. It will have you afraid to ask for what you want. It will have you engaging in negative self-talk. The part of you that feels unworthy has you believing that your hopes and dreams are just wishful thinking. Listen to the part of you who knows better. That’s the part of you that wakes up in the middle of the night with ideas, the part of you that knows you deserve better, the part of you who knows there is a calling on your life and it’s just waiting for the moment to fulfill it. Let that part speak up more often. Let that part negotiate on your behalf. Let that part make the decisions about your future. Let that part speak for you.

Just reading that again brought me right back to that specific moment where I thought that my calling wasn’t actually my calling like I didn’t hear what I thought I heard. If it happens to you often, stop letting it speak for you. Pause, get silent, say a prayer, meditate, and let that small voice that says, Yes, you can. Yes, you are. You deserve it. You heard right. You saw the vision. You can do it. Let that part speak.

2. Stop trying to prove your worth by how much you can handle.

I guess I’m talking to myself today because this is another thing that I absolutely had to stop doing. I come from the era of ride or die. I come from the era of hustle and grind. I come straight up from the hood. You have to survive that environment. So, toughing it out, carrying the weight, pushing, and pressing… Doing all the things is what I thought made me worthy.

If I could handle a lot, if I could have a heavy load and show everyone all the things I was doing, attempting, trying, pushing, handling, that meant that I was an amazing person—a strong person. You know what else is a sign of strength? Honoring your capacity, letting people carry their own loads, setting boundaries around your wellbeing, protecting your energy and your heart, and doing what is best for you. Those things are also signs of strength.

Most of us have already proven who we are. You’ve been through enough. We’ve seen it, we’ve heard it, we’ve witnessed it, and we see the scars. You don’t have to prove another thing.

3. Stop expecting people to do for you what they are unwilling or unable to do for themselves.

If you read Habits for Healing, you already know my struggle with this. I had people I had high hopes for in my life, and all I wanted was for them to be their best. And I wanted to experience their best as well, but they didn’t always want it.

We can’t have expectations for someone else’s life. We can’t hold standards for someone else’s life. All we can do is support the people we love to show up when we are asked to pray. We can be a source of encouragement, but we have to allow people to be who they are.

You layer your own suffering when you expect something from someone that they don’t have to give. They aren’t letting you down. You’re letting yourself down. Stop expecting them to do for you what they can’t even do for themselves.

I remember a conversation with my dad. It was maybe the first time that I’d ever seen him cry over his addiction. And I was begging and pleading with him to get his life together. And I said, “If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for me. Just do it for me. I need you. I love you, I know who you are, I know what you’re capable of.” And I saw a tear fall from his face… It happened again the day of my wedding when he showed up at the reception instead of the wedding. Hours late. We were packing things up. He walked up to me, and another tear fell from his face. He couldn’t do it for himself, so there was no way he was able to do it for me.

We have to stop having these expectations for others. You layer your own suffering when you do that.

*For more guidance on this, get your copy of Habits For Healing here.

4. Stop planning your future around temporary people.

Let them serve their purpose and be on their way. Stop planning your future around temporary people. A client session inspired this reflection. My client kept telling me she knew this person wasn’t going to be around for the long haul. She knew that this relationship was temporary. She knew this person likely wouldn’t stick around. But she made plan after plan after plan. Just setting herself up to be let down, setting herself up to be rejected, setting herself up to have invested in someone with no payoff—no return on her investment. I kept reminding her to stop planning. This is temporary. And now I say to you: Stop planning. This is temporary.

Never make a permanent decision based on a temporary circumstance.

We have to stop letting ourselves down. Let people serve the purpose they have in your life for a season, for a time, for a moment, for a purpose, and be on their way.

5. Stop letting people get away with holding your heart hostage while they explore other options.

This is something else I was guilty of. I talk about a relationship I had when I was younger and how much I loved this person and believed in a future I would have with this person, and I let them put me on hold while they live their life. They would check in periodically to make sure that I didn’t do anything that would put a lot of distance between us—to make sure that I wasn’t moving forward with my life. But after checking in, they would go back to whatever option they were considering or entertaining at the time, and I put my entire life on hold. It was the most devastating thing I could have done to myself because I am responsible for my actions. I saw the signs, the behavior was there. This person was showing me who they were and I was not believing them.

You are not optional for the people you are called to. You are not someone who should be put on a shelf until they are ready. You deserve better than that. Stop letting people hold your heart hostage.

Ask, “What is this? Who are we? What are we doing? What do I mean to you? What is your plan for my heart? What is your plan for this relationship? Ask the question so that you can get the answer you need to protect yourself, to preserve your heart, and to do what is in your best interest. No more sitting on a shelf, no more being held hostage. When it’s time for you to leave, when it’s time for you to move, when it’s time for you to let it go, you will know. Let it go. Move forward.

6. Stop feeling guilty for setting boundaries that protect you.

Now, although I said stop feeling guilty, I understand that guilt is part of the lived experience. We are going to do things, say things, behave in ways that make us feel guilty. We are going to make decisions that impact others, and there will be a little guilt. That is not an indication that you are doing the wrong thing. So I should say, stop letting guilt stop you from setting boundaries that protect you. You have a right. No, you have an obligation to protect yourself. To protect your heart, your energy, your home, your work, your family… Whatever it is, you have an obligation to protect it.

If you feel guilty for making certain decisions, that’s okay. Sit with the guilt and do what needs to be done to protect you.

There are examples of how I’ve had to set boundaries with my father and with my grandmother in Habits For Healing. But I have set boundaries with my spouse, my children, and my friends. I have done what I needed to do to protect myself. And I have learned that the people who love you will want to protect you. They will want to participate in protecting your heart and guarding what is important to you.

Don’t let guilt stop you from setting boundaries that protect you.

7. Stop questioning your choices because other people don’t understand them.

Right now, you are deliberating over a major transition. Maybe a move, maybe a career change, maybe a decision to start a family or end one. When you are deliberating, someone else’s opinion should not be on the table. It should not be up for debate, negotiation, or consideration.

Now I understand that we live in community, and the things we do and say—the decisions we make will impact others. So being mindful and empathetic about that is a beautiful thing. It shows your truest character and your heart for others. But that doesn’t mean you don’t do what you need to do anyway. That doesn’t mean don’t move just because your mom says, you’ll be too far away, and she won’t get to see her grandchildren. It doesn’t mean don’t change careers because your parents expected you to be a physician or whatever.

Most recently, this came up with my daughter. She decided to change her major, and she deliberated over it. And when she was ready to bring me in on the conversation, she told me. I was upset. I’m not gonna lie. I wasn’t upset that she was changing her major. I wasn’t upset that she was doing what was best for her. I didn’t like that she was making this decision without me.

What I realized is that it wasn’t her responsibility to bring me in on her decision. Out of respect, she let me know, but she needed to do what she needed to do. And once I realized that I raised a boundaried human being, someone who knows what is best for her and is not afraid or will not feel guilty for doing it, I was proud.

8. Stop using your past against you.

How did that feel hearing it? Stop using your past against you. Using your past mistakes to determine if you will try again. Using your past relationships to determine if you will love again. Using what others have done for you to determine if you are deserving of good things in this season of your life. Using your history, the story of your life, where you come from, how you were raised, the conditions, the circumstances… allowing those things to determine if you are worthy of better.

Stop using your past against yourself.

When I was a counselor in corrections, I taught a life skills class. There was a curriculum I had to get certified in, and there was one thing that didn’t sit right with me. I’m sure you have heard this before: “The best predictor of the future is the past.” There are many variations of that, but the best predictor of future behavior is the past.

I was sitting in front of criminals who served 20 years, 16 years, 5 years, and 7 years already. Their past was public. They were convicted. You could look it up. If that was going to determine their future, they were doomed. So I always added this to the sentence, unless you decide to change.

The past is a good predictor of the future unless you choose to change, unless you choose yourself, unless you decide to break the cycle, unless you decide to heal the pattern, unless you decide to do what you are called to do, unless you decide to honor your purpose, unless you decide to develop your skill, unless you decide to love again, unless you decide to believe in who you were actually created to be. Stop using your past against you.

9. Stop stalking your ex.

I can imagine you shrinking in your seat, rolling your eyes a little bit, or trying to hide, but stop stalking your ex. Stop.

Why did I put this on the list? Because we’ve been talking in email. We’ve been talking in the DMs. I’ve held the sessions, and I know what you are doing, and I understand why you are doing it. I used to do it too. Embarrassingly enough… Now let me just preface this by saying I was a little girl. Maybe 16, 17 years old, I can’t even remember. But I used to call my ex after school, let the phone ring until I heard his voice, and then hang up. That is stalking. They should have called the cops on me. lol I was literally stalking my ex. I can’t imagine having social media back then. I would have wrecked my peace stalking that guy.

Checking up on what your ex is doing is not healthy for your recovery and your healing. It is not good for your heart. You are injuring yourself by stalking your ex. Start stalking your future. That is what I share with my clients who are working on healing heartbreak. Stop stalking your ex and start stalking your future. What do I mean by that? Make yourself, your life, your dreams, and your goals your priority.

Where do you want to see yourself in six months? In a year? Just focusing forward will take up so much of your time that you won’t even have time to look at what is going on in that person’s life. You will be too busy to go on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, or wherever they reside. Guard your heart, protect your energy. Stalk your future. Become too busy becoming who you are meant to be, to dwell in who you used to be.

10. Stop comparing your life to others.

Stop comparing your life, your journey, your relationship, your body, your house, your car, your Instagram account, and your bank account to others. Don’t compare it to your sisters, your brothers, your best friends, your neighbors, your co-workers. There are several reasons why this is not a good idea:

You have no idea what goes on behind someone else’s closed door. You only have access to what they allow you to see. Even your siblings. Things are going on at your sister’s house that you know nothing about. I don’t care how close you are. Your best friend is not telling you everything. You certainly don’t know what’s going on in your neighbor’s home. So you are comparing yourself to what you think they have going on.

The other thing is you don’t want to have to go through what people had to go through to get what they have. I have people comparing their author journey to mine. I was grieving and unable to sleep at night when I wrote, I Hope This Helps, the book. I was grieving while writing my other two books as well. I’ve been through some things, which is why I know some things. You don’t wanna go through what I’ve had to go through to get here. I have been graced to turn pain into power. But my prayer is that you learn from my experience. I would love to spare you the grief.

Fall in love with your own life, your own pace, your own journey. Fall in love with your own process.

Moment of Reflection

There are seasons in your life that will require you to do, go, be, and push in major ways. But sometimes it’s the things we stop doing that ignite major shifts in our lives.

If you are struggling to determine what you should do, what you should start doing this season of your life—what you should do next, try stopping and see how your life expands.

Until next time, beloved, I hope this helps.