What It Really Means To Choose Yourself

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Every week, I share stories, lessons, encouragement, and practical healing and growth practices from my life and work with others.

Hey Beloved, I'm Nakeia

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“I will never get tired of choosing myself.”

So there is a cliché I can always get with: “choose yourself.”

As someone who has often felt like a burden, like I was optional, and only a value or consideration because of what I could do, what I could do for others, I had to learn to choose myself a long time ago.

What It Means To Choose Yourself

This cliche is everywhere. I know you’ve seen it on t-shirts. You probably bought the mug, hat, and I know you’ve seen it, across the internet, in memes. It’s everywhere, everywhere, everywhere. And often, it’s referenced when it comes to relationships, self-care, and your overall health. When I say choose yourself, what I mean is making an internal determination that you are already deserving, qualified, valid, and worthy, and allowing that to be your standard for living. Honoring that standard in your relationships, self-care practices, and overall well-being is, in fact, choosing yourself.

Let’s consider relationships for a moment… When the standard is: you are already deserving, qualified, valid, and worthy, you don’t chase, you don’t force, and you don’t settle. In fact, you choose yourself by only choosing people who also honor the standard. You feel me?

You choose yourself by only allowing yourself to be friends and even lovers with people who honor the standard that you have for your life. The standard that says, you are already deserving, you don’t have anything to prove, you are already qualified, you don’t have anything else to prove, and you are already valid. You don’t have to work for validation, and you are already worthy.

You are already worthy.

When you choose relationships that know, that understand, and that agree with that—and also bring that same energy to the relationship, you are choosing yourself because you are choosing to cultivate a healthy relationship for yourself. And let me say this, someone else not choosing you or valuing you doesn’t delete the standard. It is an internal determination that isn’t predicated on anyone else’s evaluation or validation. The standard is there. It’s already a given. You’re qualified. You’re deserving. You don’t have to say or do anything else. You just have to show up as that version of yourself.

And I realized something that was so freeing: sometimes, someone not choosing you is an indication of your worth. People choose what they can afford, maintain, and align with. So when they can’t choose you, it just may be because you are literally worth more.

How someone else sees you or values you is something you can’t control. You can’t even really contribute to it because it’s already something that they’ve determined internally. They understand their needs, their desires, their wants, what brings them pleasure and joy and connection. That’s not something you do for them. They do it for themselves. So just because you don’t fit their standard doesn’t mean your standard is invalid. It doesn’t delete your standard because they can’t choose you. It could be that you are in fact too big for them, too much for them, or maybe not enough. That’s none of your business. The point is that sometimes someone not choosing you is an indication of your worth.

When someone says it’s not you, it’s them, they mean it. When someone says you’re too good for them, they know what they’re talking about. When someone says they can’t handle you, they’re telling no lies. Believe them. Believe them, beloved.

When it comes to self-care, the standard is the same. Therefore, you don’t need permission, validation, or an invitation from anyone to do what is best for you, to care for yourself in the deepest, most meaningful ways. You don’t need permission for that. You don’t need an excuse for that. You don’t need an invitation for self-care. And this could also be applied to your overall well-being. Any decision you make concerning yourself should be in your best interest. You choose yourself when you honor the standard that is in your best interest.

I deserve better. That’s the standard. You’re choosing yourself.

I’m qualified for this. So them not giving me the promotion doesn’t mean that I’m not good enough. It just means this isn’t my thing. It doesn’t take away or delete the standard. Someone else not understanding or seeing it doesn’t invalidate your purpose or your calling.

When you do it anyway, when you do it afraid, when you do it alone, when you do it when you’re doubtful, you are choosing yourself. You didn’t know I was gonna go this deep when I talked about choosing yourself because you bought the t-shirt and the hat, and you shared the meme on social media, and you thought that was choosing yourself. But no beloved, choosing yourself is real work. It is decisions, choices, and practices that meet the standard that you have already set for yourself.

I have a few notes on choosing yourself:

You are allowed to be at the center of your own life.

No one and nothing outside of you determines your standard of care or quality of life.

Someone else choosing you is not a replacement for you choosing yourself. You still have to honor the standard. You still have to make the decision. You still have to care for yourself.

You will have to choose yourself again and again and again and again. I wrote years ago, I will never get tired of choosing myself, ever. I’m gonna choose myself today, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, five years from now, 20 years from now, I’m still choosing Nakeia. You don’t have to choose me. You don’t have to validate me. You don’t have to agree with me. I agree with my highest self.

The more you choose yourself, the easier it becomes.

No one else can choose you for you. That is why when you don’t think you look good, and I say you look beautiful, it doesn’t hit. It doesn’t land. I can tell you you are beautiful in that outfit, as many times, in as many languages, with a smile on my face, giving you a big old hug, but if you have not determined that internally, it won’t land. It only penetrates when it resonates.

And the last note I have for you is that when you know who you are, choosing yourself is no longer an option—it’s an obligation. It’s no longer:

I think I’ll choose myself today.

I’ll choose myself if they choose me.

I’ll validate myself if they agree with me.

I’ll do it if they say they understand.

I’ll do it or I’ll be it or I’ll say it if they co-sign.

It no longer becomes an option for you, It’s: I’ll do it anyway. I’ll say it anyway. I’ll be it anyway because I am obligated to meet the standard that I’ve set for myself. For yourself, beloved.

Choosing yourself is the work in this season of your life.

Choosing yourself is the work you need to do in this season of your life to get to the next season.

How To Choose Yourself Today

Prioritize your well-being. Do something that contributes to your health, your wealth, your heart, your faith, and ultimately your life today.

How can you prioritize your wellbeing today? Can you set aside 15 minutes this evening to just sit with yourself? Can you set aside one to three minutes for some deep breathing? Can you send the email that says, no, I can’t do this because it doesn’t meet my standard?

What can you do today?

Give your needs a voice. I will never stop reminding you to ask for what you need. Give your needs a voice. It has to get out of your head, out of your heart, and into the ears of the person who can meet or contribute to your needs. Speak them out loud. Say or ask for what you want and need. Say no. Say yes. Speak your piece. I don’t know what you need to do today to give your needs a voice, but do it today.

Validate yourself. Give yourself credit for something. Celebrate yourself for something. Speak your truth unapologetically. Validate yourself. You don’t need anyone else to celebrate you when you’ve already celebrated yourself.

Long before the podcast was launched, I decided on over 200 topics that I wanted to discuss with you, that I knew that someone, at least someone’s heart, needed. And I determined that this would be useful based on the call, the gift, on my own life—And I put it out there. So if no one said it was good, and I hear y’all saying it’s good, thank you, I still would be okay. I committed to showing up for seven episodes, and then for a year. And I’m gonna show up regardless of what anyone else says or does. No awards necessary. No million downloads necessary. I’m showing up, not just for you, but for me.

Invest in yourself. Invest in yourself in some way. Buy a subscription, enroll in a course, make or buy a nice meal, purchase a luxury product, a new journal, or a notepad. If you don’t have the money for that, like I have not often in my life, take time for yourself, doing something just for you. Invest in your heart and your spirit, in your body, in your marriage, in your parenthood, in your partnership, or in your friendship with a meaningful action. Send a text, make a phone call, or just choose something that matters.

Engage in a sacred act of self-love. To help you choose what that act will be, I’m gonna share two prompts:

Because I love myself so much, I will… Because I love myself so much, I will send the email. Because I love myself so much, I will end the relationship. Because I love myself so much, I will work out today. Because I love myself so much, I will make the doctor’s appointment. Because I love myself so much, I will exercise or practice discipline.
I will choose myself by… I will choose myself by letting it go. Letting the argument go. Letting the relationship go. Letting the resentment go. Letting the friendship go. I will choose myself by sending the email, the proposal, or asking for the promotion. I will choose myself by telling the truth, for once, and not pretending or downplaying how I feel.

Remember, choosing yourself is an internal determination that you are already deserving, qualified, valid, and worthy, and making that your standard for life. May you never get tired of choosing yourself.

Choose yourself over and over and over and over and over again.

Until next time, beloved, I hope this helps.