What If You Are The Problem: How To Heal Self-Sabotage

I Hope This Helps, The Podcast, Podcast Shownotes

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Every week, I share stories, lessons, encouragement, and practical healing and growth practices from my life and work with others.

Hey Beloved, I'm Nakeia

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“If You Are The Problem, You Are Also The Solution.”

I am sending you love as I say this:

You may be your biggest opp.

But settle yourself, Beloved, because today, I am going to show you how to become your greatest ally. This episode explores the pattern of self-sabotage. We will reflect on the behaviors that may be hindering your progress. And I take my time as I unpack 10 self-sabotaging habits and 4 transformative habits that will replace them all.

If you are tired of starting and stopping, not keeping your word, doing the same old things, and feeling stuck, get into this episode immediately. And be prepared to be moved into action.

What if you are the actual problem? Other people can hold you back. They can get in the way. They can make things hard for you. That is absolutely true. But far too often, we become our biggest opp, the biggest, strongest thing standing in our way. We become our own mountain.

And if you read my book, Habits for Healing, Reclaim Your Purpose, Peace and Power, then you know that personal accountability is personal power. So whenever I see that I am the problem, I get excited because if I’m the problem, I’m also the solution. Anything I do, I can undo. Anything I cause, I can cure.

If you are sabotaging yourself, you can self-correct starting today.

Ten Self-Sabotaging Habits To Avoid

1. Telling everyone your business. I know you probably didn’t think that that was going to be number one or on the list at all, but when you talk too much, sometimes you create your own limits. You create your own problems.

Are you allowing their opinion to trump yours? Are you allowing someone else’s opinion to rise above your own knowing? When talking to others prevents you from moving forward with your life, sharing details about your life is a self-sabotaging habit. If you get tripped up over the opinion of other people, their projections, and their limiting beliefs, sometimes you have to move in silence. You have to build your empire in peace. You have to do your thing in secret just long enough for you to get through the process of starting. Get started, get comfortable, and then announce what’s going on in your life.

2. You’re not talking to the right people. Sometimes we talk too much and sometimes we don’t talk enough—to the right people. If you don’t have a mentor, an advisor, or someone in your life that you can ask for help, you are sabotaging your success. If you don’t have an accountability partner, or someone who knows you, inspires you, and can motivate you to keep going, you are sabotaging your progress. Moving through life alone, not talking to the right people, can mess you up.

You need to stop moving in secret in this instance and invite people in on your journey.

3. Not starting before you’re ready. You may be waiting for the perfect time, the perfect season, the perfect circumstance, the perfect person, all the resources, all the money, until you lose weight, until you get the degree, until you get the divorce, until you get married… Until you have children, until, until, until, and you are stuck in a cycle of nothing.

Sometimes you have to move before you’re ready, not when things are all lined up.

I did this as a first-time author. It was never a goal, so I wasn’t fully prepared. I even made the mistake of uploading the wrong manuscript for print. And the first hundred copies I sold were the unedited version of my book. I was mortified! But, “I Hope This Helps”, the book went on to sell ten thousand copies to less than ten thousand followers on social media.

So many doors were opened, from publishing my next two books, to partnering with the David Eccles School of Business | University of Utah, all because I started before I was ready.

4. Not editing your life. I discuss the habit of editing your life in the book Habits for Healing as well. Go read that chapter. It’s about letting go. We sabotage ourselves by holding ourselves hostage to the past, to expired goals, and holding ourselves to relationships that no longer align with who we are and who we are becoming. You have to audit your life and edit your life like you would your bank account, or your yearly goals in business and your career.

You have to sit with yourself and decide what needs to stay and what needs to go. What is working and what is not working by simply editing your life. You can jumpstart your progress more than you ever could imagine just by identifying what isn’t working anymore.

5. Not prioritizing your mental health. Immediately when I said the word mental health, what came to mind? Probably something negative. But I don’t have mental health problems, Nakeia.

You know what is a part of your mental health? Your self-care. You know what else is a part of your mental health? Your sleep. You know what else is a part of your mental health? Your daily movement. You know what else is a part of your mental health and your wellbeing? Your quality of breath. We don’t prioritize mental health and our mental health practices because we wait until there’s an emergency to do so.

I’ll go to the therapist when I’m depressed.

I’ll go to the therapist when my anxiety is through the roof.

I’ll go to a therapist when I lose a loved one and I’m in grief… when you may need to go to a therapist to talk about why you are sabotaging yourself. You may need to talk to a therapist about why you’re not getting sleep at night.

Did you know that a deficiency in vitamin D can show up as depression? Another really important reason you should make mental health care and well-being part of your life.

We need to prioritize our mental health so that we can show up better in our lives.

6. Not forgiving yourself. You are holding yourself hostage to the past, and because of that, you won’t try again. You’re not starting anything new because you think you’ll mess it up. You’re not trying love anymore because you are still pining over your ex, and you’re not forgiving yourself for your heartbreak. You’re making yourself responsible for your broken heart and not forgiving yourself for just loving someone you needed to love at the time. You’re not forgiving yourself for the financial struggle you had because you were in debt, because you spent too much money, and weren’t balancing your budget, and now you won’t allow yourself to buy anything at all.

I had a client who spent too much money, got in debt, and then punished herself for years to the point where she wouldn’t even buy a dress to be in her own sister’s wedding. That’s how bad she was down on herself. She didn’t forgive herself for the financial issue she had, even though she had more information, even though she was wiser, and even after earning a promotion. She was making more money, but she couldn’t forgive herself—until she started working with me, of course.

When we don’t forgive ourselves, we don’t give ourselves the best chance at doing something new, greater, and better. The business that failed in the past was the past. What if you can start over and do something even better?

7. Not including God in your plans. I’m a God girl, period. I make no apologies about it. I don’t try to talk around it or over it. There would be no Nakeia Homer, three-time published author. There would be no Nakeia Homer, well-being educator, if it weren’t for my relationship with God.

God is and has always been the realest relationship I’ve ever had. I have never been able to count on anyone like I have God. And God is not some mystical being for me. God is a real-life, living, moving thing that talks to me—that guides, leads, and directs me. And if it weren’t for my relationship with God, I wouldn’t forgive myself. I wouldn’t try again. And I wouldn’t believe in things that I can’t see. God is the center of my faith, and faith is the center of my walk every day.

I’m not trying to push you into a religion. I’m not trying to push you at all. All I’m trying to say is God is everything for me. And if it wasn’t for my relationship with God, I would continue to sabotage who I could become in this lifetime.

This is an invitation. If you are sabotaging who you can become in this lifetime, try God, period.

8. Ignoring your feelings. By ignoring your feelings, you are missing valuable information that could inform your decisions. If you feel a way, explore it. Not to stay there and be stuck. Feelings are not facts, but they are valid. Your feelings and your emotions are your complex responses to life.

When something happens, it is an involuntary thing to feel.

You have to explore your feelings so that they don’t control you. That exploration will lead to you regulating them. The most dangerous thing you can do for yourself is not to feel your feelings. Someone who can regulate their feelings is unstoppable in this world. Anger won’t stop them. Fear won’t stop them. Doubt won’t stop them. Depression won’t stop them. Anxiety won’t stop them.

When you know what you feel, you can deal with it. You can process it, and you can decide what to feel next.

9. Downplaying your gifts, talents, and skills. Downplaying your gifts, talents, and skills does not make you a humble person. It’s false humility if you are doing it because you are scared. It’s false humility if you are downplaying your talent because you are afraid of what someone may think about it. It is false humility if you are downplaying your skill, if you are doing it because you want to hide from someone or something.

Show up with your gift. Enter the room with your talent. Offer the world your skill. They are in you for a reason.

10. Indecisiveness. Your lack of decision-making is hindering your progress. It’s preventing you from moving forward. You are sabotaging yourself because you are not making the decision. And when you don’t make the decision, the decision will be made for you.

When you don’t make a choice, you are left up to whatever life throws your way. When you don’t decide, someone else decides for you. That is what’s sabotaging your progress. That is why you are not going forward in your career. That is why you are not moving forward in your relationships because you are hiding behind, I don’t know. I don’t know.

I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. Well, get to know. Find out. You’d better do some research. Figure it out. Find it out. Ask someone. Read about it. Make a decision. If there’s one thing that you can do for yourself today, make a decision and start practicing it.

Ways To Replace Your Bad Habits And Heal Self-Sabotage

Identify your specific self-sabotaging habits. I just identified ten common habits for you. Sit with these and see which ones apply. Ask your friends, what do you see me doing all the time that could be keeping me stuck? Where are the patterns?

Create a simple and accessible alternative to the habit. Psychology 101: If you want to break a bad habit, replace it with a good one. For example, if you have a habit of telling everyone about your business and getting discouraged from following through, decide not to tell anyone about it for six months, or at least not the person who always talks you out of your big ideas. Or if you’re not talking to the right people, choose to seek a mentor before sharing the news with friends and family.Talsk to someone successful at what you want to do.

Find a way to be accountable to the things you say you want to do. I hold myself accountable every day by keeping a habit tracker. Essentially, I have a notebook. It’s a part of my daily setup. You’ll learn about that eventually if you’re a part of my community. Shout out to the daily setup. I create a list of things I want to do, things I need to do, and what’s going to happen as a result of me doing them. And with a highlighter, I mark what gets done. And what doesn’t get done, I use a different highlighter, and I highlight that. I keep myself accountable for moving forward.

You need some form of accountability, either in the form of an accountability partner or by making yourself accountable through your choice of a habit tracker.

Measure your progress and reward it. Measure your progress and reward it. So no more just wishing, and hoping, and praying, and planning. What are you going to do to move your life forward? And how are you going to measure that you’re actually doing it?

You have to measure your success.

You can’t just create a plan and have a goal. You have to attach an objective to it. An objective can be measured. Create an intention that has an action assigned to it. The action can be as simple as reaching out to three people, talking to one new friend, going out on one date, or saying “yes” to a new project. The action is what you measure. Release the outcome because most of that is out of your control. Just going to focus on the doing.

Your diligence will be rewarded. I promise you, your consistency will be met with results. Your effort will be met with a positive outcome. You just have to keep showing up.