Healing Without An Apology

Hey Beloved, I'm Nakeia

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“The people who hurt you may not want to see you healed.”

I was sending you love this entire episode.

Today, we discussed something that a lot of people struggle with, which is healing without an apology.

In this episode, I really leaned into the fact that healing is a personal journey that does not require the approval or acknowledgment of others. Even when it comes to feelings of hurt, disappointment, and betrayal, the way forward is through your decision to heal—not an apology. The truth is: some people aren’t willing, able, or ready to admit their wrong, but you deserve to heal anyway. Once again, we are going “there.” There will be some talk about validating your own feelings, engaging in healing practices, self-care, and the steps one can take to reclaim their energy and find closure.

Reasons We Struggle To Heal Without An Apology

Healing without an apology is a difficult concept for some.

It started for many of us with our parents or our parental figures. When something happened between us and a sibling, a cousin, or a friend that we played with outside, we had to apologize to that person before we could get back to playing or go out for ice cream or move on to the next thing that we were interested in. You had to stop, you had to apologize, and you had to kiss and make up. Do you remember that?

The concept of apologizing in order to move forward is something that was ingrained in us. We see it as something that we must get from someone else or we must give to someone else in order for us to move forward.

The other issue is this misconception that healing and moving forward with our lives after an offense lets the other person off the hook. You may think, “If I heal, if I move on, if I forgive, that means that what they did wasn’t wrong or what they did wasn’t as impactful as it feels to me,” and that’s not true.

Let me be clear. Your healing belongs to you. It does not require the approval or participation of anyone else for you to heal.

The person who hurt you will live with what they’ve done to you. They will live with the hurt. They will live with the shame. They will live with the guilt, or they’ll just move on with their lives because they don’t think that whatever they did to you was that bad. Either way, healing ensures that you don’t have to live with the offense for the rest of your life. Healing ensures that you can leave the offense with the person you can send it back to where it came from, and you can continue to live your best life. Healing is something that you offer yourself.

Some Truths About Apologies

I’m sending you love for this entire conversation.

The people who hurt you may not want to see you healed.

The people who hurt you may have benefited from you being broken.

Some people can’t see you. They can’t see the hurt that they caused you because they are looking through the lens of their own hurt, their own pain.

Some people can’t apologize because it means they’d have to be honest about the type of person that they have been to you—they’ll have to sit with the consequences of their actions.

Some People May Consider These Things Apologies

Apologies are not always direct.

You think that the person who hurt you isn’t sorry, but they bought you something nice, and they started talking to you as if nothing ever happened. They’ve moved on, and they’re hoping that you move on as well. To them, that is the equivalent of an apology.

No one said, I’m sorry in their household, or if they said they were sorry, it didn’t mean much. No one really gave a lot of weight to the words, “I’m Sorry.” The person who hurt you may think that if they do things for you after an offense, or if they give you things, that makes you even. They may think that, still being your friend, your lover, and still in your life is the equivalent of an “I’m sorry.”

Not everyone is like you. I heard that from my therapist in a way that really helped me heal. She said, “You can’t expect Nakeia from everyone else.”

You can’t expect someone to be who you are in friendship, to be who you are in a relationship, to be who you are as a coworker, as a boss, or as a neighbor, because you are you and they are them. We each have our own history with apology, our own history with offense, our own history with accountability and responsibility. And it doesn’t always look the same.

So if it helps, consider that perhaps the person is sorry, but doesn’t know how to express their regret. They are sorry, but they don’t know how to express their shame, or their guilt, or their remorse.

Either way, none of that is your work.

The apology isn’t your work. The accountability isn’t your work. The responsibility isn’t your work. It’s on them. But you know what your work is, beloved? Your work is to heal.

How To Heal Without An Apology

You must commit to loving yourself into your healing. You must love yourself enough to let it go. You must love yourself enough to release the offense and move forward. You must decide to go somewhere you are loved and considered. Go where you are appreciated.

Here are a few ways to begin that process:

Acknowledge Your Feelings. Allow yourself to feel what you feel without a need for others to approve or validate it.

Give Yourself Closure. Extract the lessons from the experience. Uncover some truths about who you are and how you would like to be treated by other. Set new standards and boundaries.

Reclaim Your Energy. Release the story you tell yourself (and others) about who hurt you, and tell a new story. Commit to cultivating new relationships and make new plans that shifts your energy forward.

Make Healing A Practice—not just a concept. You practice healing by allowing yourself to love again. You practice healing by allowing new friends into your life. You practice healing by remaining the same loving and caring and considerate, and loyal person that you’ve always been—but with people who actually deserve it.

Prioritize Self-Care. Don’t avoid, deny, or downplay the pain. Nurse yourself back to a place of wholeness through self-care practices. Dive into books, journaling, and therapy. Surround yourself with people who love and care for you. Spend time alone to deepen your self-awareness and self-love.

Healing without an apology is the ultimate act of self-care.

Here is my prayer for you:

If they never say, I’m sorry, if they never right their wrongs, I pray you heal anyway.

I pray you heal from things no one’s ever even apologized for. I pray that you choose yourself and love yourself enough to continue moving forward. I pray that you come to know that you deserve to be whole and not left in the pieces that they left you in.