Taking A Timeout From Your Life

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Hey Beloved, I'm Nakeia

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“The exhaustion you feel after survival mode isn’t laziness, it’s biology.”

I am sharing one of the most transformative experiences of my life with you.

Nearly a decade ago, I put myself in timeout for an entire year and emerged as the most aligned, intentional, purpose-filled version of myself. Looking back, eight key practices helped me recover and reconnect with myself.

If you are feeling disconnected, discouraged, overwhelmed, or emotionally exhausted, check in with today’s episode to determine if you need a timeout.

It wasn’t an intentional timeout. I didn’t plan to walk away from my life in the way that I did, but when the opportunity presented itself, I took it. And I must say that timeout is the reason I was able to plug back into my life, confront some things I needed to, and show up for myself in ways that I never did before.

That time out saved my life, and it brought me back to my purpose.

Taking A Timeout

Before I get into the eight practices, here is some background…

It started as an annual trip back home, something that my kids and I did every single year. We typically visit in June for about a month, but we almost didn’t make this particular trip.

At the time, I wasn’t feeling well physically. I couldn’t afford it financially, and I was mentally and emotionally on the verge of what people used to call back in the day, a nervous breakdown. A whole breakdown, beloved. My aunt encouraged me to come anyway and purchased one-way tickets because I didn’t know how long I was gonna stay. I didn’t think I would stay the full month—maybe about two weeks instead of four, but we ended up staying in New Jersey for an entire year. I’ve shared how I slept on the floor in my family’s home for a year. This was that year. This was my time out from life.

During that season, I was operating outside of my capacity. I was defying science, logic, and my own internal reasoning—just doing any/every thing I could for any/every one in my life except myself.

I was working in the studio all hours of the night and day. I was doing supplemental homeschooling for my two kids. I was trying to save family members from 800 miles away. We were recovering from real estate fraud at the time. I was battling kidney disease… I had a lot going on. I felt completely disconnected from myself, from my purpose, and I felt myself disconnecting from my family.

I felt like I was fighting for my soul, my family, and my literal life, but I had no more fight in me. So I retreated to my own little corner of the world and went to work on myself for a full year.

I spent a lot of that time at my grandmother’s feet, just crying as she rubbed my head and my back, not uttering a word. She didn’t ask me any questions. Not in the moment, she didn’t ask me any questions. But my entire family was trying to figure out what I was doing, and I didn’t say a word. I think everyone sensed that I just needed to be there. I wasn’t just there having this family reunion. I was having a reunion with myself.

Eight Timeout Practices

I did some things during that year that saved me. These practices helped me recover, preserved my purpose, preserved the relationships that were so important to me, fortified my family, and fortified the work that I do in the world.

Some of these practices are not new. But if you are experiencing a season of disconnect, feel like your life is punishing you, and you are the one who needs the time out, I encourage you to try these things:

1. I got honest with myself about the state of my life at the time.

I knew that I was in survival mode—and I wasn’t just surviving that year or that season of my life, but I had been in survival mode my entire life. I have been fighting for my life since the moment of conception. (Listen to the full episode to hear how.)

Every choice I made was based on survival. Every. Single. Choice. Every action was rooted in survival. Every goal was set based on survival, and we are not meant to survive our way through life.

I had to be honest about the kind of life I was living. I survived some of the most difficult seasons of my life in childhood and young adulthood, and I was still in that posture of survival decades later. And it was getting the best of me. My body was fighting it, my mind, my spirit, my heart… I needed to start my exit, to put in my resignation from survival mode. I needed to flip the switch. And I started doing that that year.

2. I had to sit and rest.

Those moments at my grandmother’s feet, crying, sometimes sitting watching the soap operas with her… Those long, solo drives in her minivan (because I left my car in Georgia)… Those moments the kids were with family, and I was alone in the bedroom journaling, praying, crying, or scrolling social media on my phone… That was rest for me.

Sometimes we feel so exhausted that we can’t do much of anything in our lives, and we think we’re being lazy when the truth is we need some rest. That is what happens when we step outside of survival mode. The exhaustion you feel after surviving isn’t laziness, it’s biology.

When you flip that switch, you are alerting your body to get out of the posture of fight or flight. You are giving yourself permission to stop going, pushing, and doing all the things. The next best thing for us to do at that moment is to rest. And our body is like, “Thank you, finally!” So I rested.

3. I determined what I wanted.

I had been living for my family, living for friends, living for my work, living for approval and validation. I was doing everything but what I actually wanted to do, what I was actually called to do.

During that year, I sat with myself every day, and I asked the question: What do I want?

What do I want? And not just in general. What do I want in every single area of my life? What do I want for my children? What do I want for work? What do I want for my marriage? What do I want for my health? What do I want? And whatever the answer was, I gave it to myself for the first time.

That meant I had to shut some things down. I had to say no to some people to say yes to myself.

**4. I introduce myself to something I call selfish time.**

Selfish time is something you may have read about in my book Habits for Healing. It is the practice of centering yourself inside your own life.

It is okay to be selfish when you are working on your heart. It is okay to be selfish when you are fighting for your life. It is okay to be selfish when you are finding your way back home. And what I mean is just centering and prioritizing yourself. I don’t mean f**k everyone else. I just mean me first, you first.

I took some selfish time for hobbies, play, and going to the gym. I said no more often and started doing what I wanted and needed. I also called it selfish time because it needed to be scheduled into my life. That decision to take a time out for my life impacted everyone, but I needed to do that to emerge as a better version of myself, a healed version of myself. I did it to save my own life.

It was the “put your face mask on first” moment that all the motivational speakers and therapists spoke about.

5. I started keeping promises to myself again.

This is a practice that I started at 10 years old. I would tell myself I’m gonna do something. I’d write it down. I’d take it out every day and read it. And I’d remind myself of what I promised myself that I would do, until I got it done. It was the practice of keeping promises to myself, I become distarcted by life, and stopped doing that.

I would break my promise to myself to keep promises to other people—often at my expense. So for one full year, whatever I said I was going to do for myself, I did. No matter how it impacted others, no matter how it looked to other people, and no matter how it felt to other people, I kept my promises.

I became a woman of my word to myself again. I did this to rebuild trust in myself, to remind myself that I am safe with my own heart, with my own health and wellbeing, with my own purpose and calling. I kept every single promise for one full year, and I’ve been keeping promises like that ever since.

6. I asked for help.

I asked for help for the first time in my life.

Help me.

I needed spiritual help. My grandmother prayed for me. I needed mental help. My mentors, my aunties, they encouraged me. I even needed help as a mother, and I had conversations with my children, tough conversations that really built our relationship stronger. I let people love and care for me at my most vulnerable moment, and it felt safe to finally be the one who went to other people—and not just a go-to for them.

I allowed my sister to be a sister, my friends to be friends to me… This is a practice that I maintain decades later.

7. I honored my capacity.

This is big. We’ve been talking about capacity for a while now. Capacity is important to acknowledge and honor because it is your literal ability, by definition. When I say capacity, I mean your ability, what you are able physically, mentally, emotionally, and psychologically to do.

So instead of operating outside of that and pulling from the air, I honored what I was able to do in that season. What I found out is that by honoring my capacity in certain areas of my life, I was able to increase my capacity in others. By pulling back in some areas, I was able to give more in others.

I learned that honoring your capacity is not a weakness. It is not a limitation. It is necessary for you to show up well in your life.

8. I took regular timeouts for my life.

Now going to another state and staying for a year is a huge timeout. I do not recommend it unless you absolutely need it and have the support of other people to do so. But I learned to take small timeouts from my life to prevent the need for major ones.

Small timeouts like 30 minutes of driving in the evening, just by myself. I did that a couple of times a week. Going to the bookstore is something I picked back up again. I took timeouts as often as I needed.

When I felt myself getting tired, exhausted, overwhelmed, burnt out, anxious, moody, or troubled in any way, I would take a literal timeout and ask myself: what do you need? Who can help? Where do you need to go? What do you need to say no to?

Moment of Reflection

Taking regular timeouts from your life is how you will be able to show up for yourself in ways that you wouldn’t be able to do otherwise. Whatever season you are in right now, if it’s calling for a timeout, I encourage you to take it. You don’t have to do something as drastic as I did. The eight practices are things you can do right now, right where you are.

If I had taken better care of myself in those years leading up to that year-long time out, I may not have gotten to a point where I needed a full year to recover.

May you get to the point where you can honor what you need in every season of your life. May you get to the point where you are so cared for by yourself that you don’t have to run from your life—you can run to yourself as a safe space for you to recover, heal, and grow every day. But if you need to, may you feel safe enough to take a time out from your life to do what you need to do to show up for yourself and for the ones you love, as the best version of yourself.

If you need a time out, beloved, take it. If you need a moment to yourself, take it. If you need some rest, honor it. It is not a weakness—it is biology.

It is during the difficult seasons in our lives that we are called to support ourselves in the most beautiful ways, ways that require rest, recovery, tender loving care, honesty, recommitting to ourselves and our lives, and keeping our promises to ourselves. May you learn to do these things every day so that you don’t have to take a huge time out from your life.

I hope these practices help you. You can come back to them when you need them.

Until next time, beloved, I hope this helps.