Ask Nakeia: How to Have Tough Conversations

I Hope This Helps, The Podcast, Podcast Shownotes

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Every week, I share stories, lessons, encouragement, and practical healing and growth practices from my life and work with others.

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“Start by asking yourself, Do I really need to have this conversation?”

This conversation is a new format for us, and I’m excited about it.

I get to answer a listener’s question in a series I’m calling Ask Nakeia.

This week’s question comes from “Liz.”

Question:

Hi, Nakeia. I don’t know if you remember me emailing you to suggest you start a podcast years ago.

It was actually a request for an advice style podcast. I listen to podcasts daily on my two and a half hour commute. So I am excited to finally add you to my list. I love the theme of “I Hope This Helps” and would love to finally ask my question. Embarrassingly, I am in the same struggle with the same thing. Hopefully you can help. I need to have a difficult conversation with my mom about how she treats me differently than my sister. This is something I have experienced my entire life. I am the oldest…

A little pause here because Liz goes on to say a lot of other things that I won’t share. What I will say is it’s a dynamic that we may be familiar with, those of us who are the oldest child or those of us who have siblings that we feel our parents are treating differently than we are treated.

If you can relate, raise your hand, and I’ll see you in my heart.

Liz experienced what she felt was a lot of comparison growing up. She felt like there was a huge expectation placed on her, but not on her siblings. She describes herself as being very successful, and I would agree based on what she shared. Even though her siblings are not as successful yet—and she said yet because she loves and supports her siblings and their work. But she feels they still get more praise than she does, especially her younger sister.

Now let’s get right into her question: “Any advice on how to approach the conversation in a way that makes my point and shares how I really feel with my mom without hurting her or our relationship? I truly believe my mother loves me and my siblings. I just don’t think she has the capacity to love me the way I need to be loved.”

This is a great question. I have a couple of things that I would like to share with Liz, and hopefully you will find it helpful as well.

Answer:

Whether you are approaching a difficult conversation with your parents, a sibling, a spouse, a coworker, whomever, start by asking yourself, “Do I really need to have this conversation with the person I am referring to or a therapist?”

Often, we want to share our feelings. We want to share our hearts. We want to be heard. And we don’t necessarily need or want the other person to validate what we feel. We certainly don’t want to allow them to invalidate what we feel. We just want to be heard. And sometimes being heard by the other party isn’t necessary, 3especially if they are the cause of your hurt or discomfort.

You may need a professional. You may need to process some things in the safety of a licensed clinician and not over the dinner table with the person who you feel hurt you.

The people who hurt us are not always a safe space for our feelings.

So I would determine, do I need to vent? Do I need to process? Or, is it necessary for me to have a conversation with a person who would contribute to our relationship moving forward?

Release your projected outcome. Liz was going into the conversation thinking it would be difficult.
What does difficult mean to you? Having a serious, stern, assertive, and loving conversation doesn’t have to be difficult, even when the subject matter is difficult. I think we’re used to difficult conversations. We’re just not always used to having them with a person that we think will respond in a way that we’ve already decided will be difficult.

If you can’t release the projected outcome, decide how you’re going to handle the worst-case scenario. This is helpful in regulating your emotions, your feelings, and your anxiety around the conversation. How will you respond if the person yells, cries, and decides to end the relationship?

Start with your intention. In Liz’s case, she wants to make her point, share her heart, and have this conversation with her mom without hurting her or their relationship. Start with that intention. You can even use those words if it feels natural.

“I want to be able to make my point, share my heart, have this conversation without hurting you or our relationship.”

I gave Liz a bit of a script because she shared details that made setting up the conversation feel necessary. But just know that too much of a setup may put the other person on the defensive. Too many words can lose the point, and put the focus on the difficulty and not the intention. Use discernment here. Determine what is necessary for your specific conversation.

Try to only say what’s necessary. We’ve already determined that Liz needs to have this conversation with her mom and not just a therapist. So I suggest that she save the therapy talk for the therapy and only say what she needs to say directly to her mom.

Here’s an example:

“Mom, there’s been some really amazing things that have happened in my life and I don’t feel like it’s been celebrated enough.Do you want to go out next Saturday to celebrate my new promotion?”

Maybe Liz’s mom didn’t think about it. Maybe her mom doesn’t feel as though she needs to do for her the same way that she does for her siblings. Maybe she doesn’t think you need herm as much or in the same ways. By being direct, she is giving her mother information that will help her love her better.

So stick to what you need to say as much as possible. Be direct, share your needs, share your heart, but maintain your intention. You don’t want to hurt the other person or the relationship.

Release the outcome altogether. This is a little different than my second point. In this instance, it’s more than just releasing what you think will happen. Release it all… what you think, what you hope, and what actually happens.

If the intention of the conversation is to share your heart, let that be enough. If the intention is to make a request for more support, attention, cooperation, or respect, let expressing your need be enough. We can’t control other people, which means we can’t control the outcome. Let the conversation be a practice of self-expression and self-care, and release everything else

Finally, continue being brave enough to use your voice to advocate for yourself and your relationships. It will take bravery for Liz to go to her mother and say the way she’s been parenting her is loving, it’s kind, it’s consistent, but it’s not what she actually needs in this moment.

Be brave enough to have the conversations. Be brave enough to set the boundaries. Be brave enough to share your heart.

This episode was fun to record. I was able to speak directly to a listener’s heart. something I want to continue doing in the future. If you are like Liz and have a question, you want me to answer right here on the podcast, send an email to thepodcast@nakeiahomer.com.