Are You A Perfectionist Or Are You Scared?

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Hey Beloved, I'm Nakeia

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“Adjust your standards to meet your intention.”

In this conversation, we explore the concepts of perfectionism and fear—two things that are often confused for one another.

Both can hinder personal progress. Both require intentional reprogramming. And both can be healed through the practices I shared today.

To help illustrate the difference between perfectionism and fear, I am sharing insights from my sessions with a client who identified as a perfectionist but realized that fear was the underlying issue preventing her from moving forward.

Whether you have been hiding behind perfectionism or fear, today’s chat will help you start making things happen in your life.

Get Clear On What’s Really Holding You Back

In a session with a client the other day, I asked her a question that I want to offer you. But first, let me give you a little bit of background. I’ve been seeing this client for about three and a half, maybe four years, and she is a self-described perfectionist. Before she starts a new project, makes a decision, goes on a trip, dates a new guy, makes a purchase, or does anything in life, everything has to be perfect.

The timing has to be perfect. The circumstances have to be perfect. The weather, the plans, the players, meaning the people involved, they have to adopt an energy of perfectionism as well. Otherwise, she’s going to step in and do it all herself. Everything must be perfect in her eyes. And it was preventing her from moving forward.

For about the first couple of months, maybe six months or so, I let her sit with the description of a perfectionist. I let her have that for a while, but eventually I had to call her out. And this is how I did it. I asked her this question, beloved: Is it perfectionism or fear? Are you a perfectionist, or are you just scared?

Sit with that like my client sat with that.

That is the question I want to offer you today.

The Difference Between Being a Perfectionist and Being Scared

Let’s talk about what it looks like to just be a perfectionist—emphasis on the word just, because there isn’t anything inherently wrong with being a perfectionist or having a standard of excellence. That’s what it really just boils down to.

People who are perfectionists:

Work until things are just right.

They get as much help as possible to create a positive outcome.

They obsess over details.

They aren’t afraid to start over and over and over again until everything is just right.

Raise your hand if you can relate.

Now let’s talk about people who are just scared. Again, emphasis on the word just.

People who are just sacred:

They are unable to move forward because of fear.

They get stuck in the planning phases because they are afraid of failing.

They wait until the perceived risks are low before they even get started.

They don’t ask for help because they are afraid of judgment.

And they obsess over projected outcomes. (So the things that they think will happen, like failing, being laughed at, being embarrassed, being criticized. They can’t even move forward because of those things, even though that may not even be the truth.)

They also hide behind labels like perfectionist and type-A personality when the truth is they are actually just afraid.

Let There Be No Shame In Being A Perfectionist Or Being Afraid

My client said that she was a perfectionist—and she was right in a lot of respects.

The girl was amazing at making things happen and getting things done in her life… until she felt afraid. That is when she couldn’t move forward at all, not because of perfectionism, but because she was afraid. And there were some really valid reasons for her fear.

This is the thing, there isn’t anything inherently wrong with being a perfectionist, having a standard of excellence. And guess what? There isn’t anything wrong with being afraid.

In fact, your body is alerting you to possible danger or harm, or even failure, when you feel afraid. The problem is when you can’t move beyond the fear, when you allow the fear or perfectionism to hold you back, when the standard is so high that you get nothing done. You’re not just a perfectionist, you’re stalling your progress.

When fear is involved, again, you’re just trying to prevent yourself from experiencing a negative outcome.

So what do you do when you are face-to-face with perfectionism or fear, and you want to make things happen in your life, but you can’t seem to move forward?

Here are some things that I shared with my client:

The first thing you want to do is set a new intention, and adjust your standards to meet that intention. So in the past, it was all about perfectionism. You had to get everything right. You had to get everything perfect. Or in the past, it was all about fear. What if? What if it went wrong? What if everyone laughed? What if you were embarrassed? What if you fail? Well, now your intention isn’t to be perfect, and it isn’t to be pleasing in other people’s eyes. It is to make things happen in your life.

What do you want to make happen in your life?

What do you wanna feel right now as this version of yourself on the job, in the relationship, in your body? Let’s set a standard that revolves around what you intend to feel, who you intend to be, and what you intend to do in this season of your life.

Set a new standard, beloved.

The next thing you want to do is set goals that are focused on the action, not the outcome. And this is going to be difficult for those of you who are truly perfectionists, because you want the outcome to be absolutely perfect. But this time, as this version of yourself, I want you to focus on just doing—and doing it in a way that is creative and easeful and fun and authentic. When you focus on those things typically excellence follows

So instead of thinking about what’s going to happen when you get it all done, just celebrate the fact that you started doing what you’ve always wanted to do. Celebrate the fact that you push past the perfectionism and the fear. Sit in the creativity that is coming from you in this season of your life. Sit in fun for a change.

Set goals that are focused on action and not outcome.

And the last thing is something we can all benefit from, whether we are perfectionists or sitting in fear, we need to apply some grace to our lives. We give others grace all the time. We give chance after chance after chance to get it right. But when it comes to us, it has to be perfect.

We don’t allow ourselves to be afraid, and the standards are often too high. But this time, I want you to give yourself grace for doing—for having a desire to do and be more. For having a desire to try and expand your capacity. Give yourself grace.

The thing is, whether it’s a project, a decision, an opportunity, some life change or transition, and you’re asking yourself, is it perfectionism or fear, It really doesn’t matter which one it is. What matters is that you’re able to push beyond it.

Let’s go back to what people who are perfectionists do. We can borrow some of that energy, borrow some of that tenacity, borrow some of that excellence…

We can work until things are right. We don’t have to get it right the first time. We can work at it.

We can ask for help so that we’re not out here doing everything ourselves. There are some excellent friends and coworkers, and people in your community who can help you get the positive outcome you desire. And we don’t want to obsess over the details, but we do want to be detail-oriented. We don’t just want to focus on the outcome—we want to focus on the process. Who are we becoming? What are we learning? What are we enjoying? Who are we growing into in the process? And lastly, don’t be afraid to start over and over and over again, not until you get it perfect, but until you meet your intention, your intention for doing, moving forward, and pushing past the perfectionism and the fear.

I’ll leave you with this question… Ask yourself this question when you feel stalled, stuck, delayed, and don’t see progress in your life: Is it perfectionism or is it fear?

And either way, beloved, don’t let it stop you. Set a new standard that you adjust to meet your intention. Set new goals that are focused on action and not just the outcome, and apply grace to your life in every area of your life.

You are truly doing the best you can. You have what it takes to make things happen in your life.

Until next time, beloved, I hope this helps.