Rethinking What It Means To Be the Bigger Person

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Every week, I share stories, lessons, encouragement, and practical healing and growth practices from my life and work with others.

Hey Beloved, I'm Nakeia

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“If you have to be the bigger person, you have already outgrown them.”

In this episode, I am challenging what it means to be the “bigger person.” Are you showing how you’ve evolved or relapsing? Are you keeping the peace or betraying yourself? We will answer these questions, and more, as we work to rethink what it means to be the bigger person in your relationship.

Why I Have No Interest In Being The Bigger Person

Whenever I become aware of myself slipping into resentment or feeling bitter, it’s typically because I have betrayed myself to be loyal to someone else, kept silent to keep someone else’s peace, or stretched myself beyond my own capacity to make someone else comfortable.

You can’t see me right now, but I am rolling my eyes at myself, just reflecting on the moments that I went against my own best interest for someone else.

It used to be so important for me to be perceived as nice and accommodating, compromising, or “the bigger person” because, for years, I was perceived as mean. And if you read my book Habits for Healing, you’d know that I had to heal out of the idea that I was mean.

Healing taught me two things. One, I was not mean, I was boundaried. And two, I had no interest in being the bigger person.

I am a healed person who practices self-care and sets boundaries, but I don’t need to be seen as the bigger person anymore. In fact, the people who called me mean or wanted to test my boundaries are people who actually wanted to cross them. I was mean because I was doing something that they didn’t benefit from. Like setting boundaries, protecting my energy, and protecting my heart. So I outgrew the notion that doing those things made me a mean person.

I also outgrew the desire to be perceived as anything by anyone, because I realized I couldn’t control that. No matter how nice I was, even if I did go against my boundaries, I couldn’t control how someone else saw me. So I really wasn’t doing it for them. I was doing those things for me, and I had to have a conversation with myself about why I needed to be perceived as anything by anyone.

What was I missing within myself? Where did I lack in knowing and accepting the truth of who I was? When did who I was become not okay?

Because of my experience, I can spot that internal tussle in others. This conflict between wanting to speak your piece and address your issues or set boundaries and wanting to be in good standing with the people in your life, the people you are connected to intimately, your family, your friends, your partner.

I want you to know something: When you have good people in your life, you can do both. You can be true to yourself and share your truth with others without messing up the relationship.

If setting a boundary, if speaking your piece, if addressing issues messes with the relationship, you have a relationship problem—not a boundary problem.

Consider this before choosing to be the bigger person again: When I think of the bigger person, I think of someone who has put in the work. They’ve healed, and they’ve grown. They’ve reached a level of healthy restraint and know how to pause before responding. They are self-aware and mindful, and they likely know how to communicate and compromise.

If you have to be the bigger person with anyone in your life, you are likely engaging with someone you’ve already outgrown.

That is a huge revelation.

If you have to be the bigger person, you have outgrown them, outhealed them, and that is the real issue.

You Are Not Being The Bigger Person When…

You are not being the bigger person when you stay silent and let things slide.

You are not being the bigger person when you pretend to be okay, when you are not

You are not being the bigger person when you are enabling or tolerating bad behavior.

You are not being the bigger person when you are dishonoring your values or your standards.

Those things are what I call relapsing into a version of yourself that you have already outgrown.

You are stepping out of your power when you censor your growth. You are stepping out of the things that you’ve grown into when you go back into a default mode of being nice, being silent, being quiet, letting things slide. You are not being true to who you really are. You’ve done too much. You’ve grown too much, you’ve come too far to go back.

Rethinking What It Means To Be The Bigger Person

So let’s talk about some things that you can do instead.

This is about reframing or rethinking what it means to be the bigger person.

Sometimes being the bigger person means being willing to address things that others are afraid to speak about.

For example, you’re in your relationship, you’re married, dating, or you’ve been together for a long while, and there are some issues. There are some concerns. You have some needs. There is a bit of conflict. There is a bit of misalignment. And instead of staying silent, you decide to speak up and address the matter at hand. That is actually being the bigger person. That is showing your growth. That is showing your healing. That shows that you have the ability to communicate effectively. And that shows that you actually value the relationship and want to preserve it. Remember, boundaries preserve relationships. We set boundaries with people we want to stay connected to.

So, staying silent isn’t being the bigger person—it’s relapsing.

Speaking up showcases your growth. It’s staying in your power, and it’s doing the work to maintain a healthy relationship. Being the bigger person is advocating for yourself in your relationship. You don’t want to get into a relationship and lose who you are. You don’t want to get into a relationship and start lying about your truth. You don’t want to get into a relationship and change who you are at the core to fit someone else’s expectations. When you do those things, you are not being a bigger person. You are not being the ideal mate. That is not “relationship goals”. That is self-betrayal.

Allowing other people to mistreat you so you can prove that you are their version of the bigger person is self-betrayal, and I need you to stop doing that. Stop doing things that go against the truth of who you are. Stop staying silent when you need to speak your peace to cultivate the kind of internal peace you need to be the best version of yourself.

The goal is not to be bigger than the people in your life. The goal should be to invite people in your life that align with your growth, champion your growth, and give you the freedom to model healing and growth—and it not be a threat to your relationship.

I am not interested in being the bigger person. I have grown too much. I have come too far. And when I slip into bitterness, resentment, feeling a way, and rolling my eyes at myself, that is when I know that I am going against my truth. That is when I know I am stepping out of my power and not showcasing my actual growth.

The goal is to grow and evolve.

The goal is to heal.

The goal is to become the person that you are meant to be. And if the people in your life see that as a threat, you have outgrown them. You are in fact the bigger person. And it is time for you to invite bigger people into your life.

No more playing small, Beloved. No more shrinking, censoring, silencing, beloved. No more letting things slide. You’ve worked too hard, you’ve come too far, and you’ve grown too much.

Normalize not wanting to be the bigger person for people you’ve outgrown.

Normalize not shrinking into a version of yourself that makes others comfortable.

Normalize being true to who you really are.

You deserve to stay in your purpose. You deserve to sit in the seat of your growth.

The goal is not to be the bigger person. The goal is to be the person that you are meant to be.

Until next time, Beloved… I hope this helps.