The Grief & Grace Of Not Being Where You Thought You’d Be By Now

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Every week, I share stories, lessons, encouragement, and practical healing and growth practices from my life and work with others.

Hey Beloved, I'm Nakeia

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“You are not alone in your grief.”

After a brief pause for recovery, I’m back, refreshed and ready to dive into a topic that you may resonate with deeply:

The grief and grace of not being where we thought we’d be by now.

I don’t know if you are like me and started creating a list of things you wanted to do by 20, by 25, by 30, by 50, or by whenever.

I started my list at about 10 years old. It was my special list of things I wanted out of life. The list grew very detailed and very long. So by the time I had graduated from high school and was in college, that list was robust. I knew what I wanted in a lot of areas of my life, and I knew exactly when I wanted to experience those things. But by the time I had graduated from undergrad, I was already in a serious relationship, engaged to be married, and living in the middle of a whole new list of experiences I had never planned for. I wasn’t the 10-year-old version of myself who created that list all those years ago.

Life was different because I was different. I was different in my heart, in my mind, in my spirit. I had new goals. I had this new man in my life. I had this new degree. And I wasn’t exactly sure that everything I said I wanted to do still aligned. And so I let some things go. I put some things on pause. I started some things I needed to grow into. Life took a different turn, and by the time I was twenty-five, it looked totally different than what I thought it would look like. By the time I was thirty, I was a wife, a mother, and operating this music business in a new state. Things were different. And although things were lovely in a lot of areas in my life, there was a bit of grief and grace attached to that change.

The Grief

By now, you may have had plans for your life, maybe to be engaged, a parent, a partner, or a lover, a business owner, or the head of your department. Maybe you thought you’d be living in a specific house, driving a specific car, traveling to foreign countries, and living out exotic experiences—but here you are, wherever you are living in your life, living a life that maybe you didn’t plan.

Maybe you didn’t see those turns coming.

Maybe you didn’t think that you would pivot in the ways that you have.

Maybe you got married earlier, became a parent earlier.

Maybe it took you longer than you thought.

Maybe you’re not a parent at all.

Maybe the business you started and were a CEO of failed, and you had to start again or try again.

Maybe you went back to corporate after leaving.

Maybe you left corporate and are in the thick of building this new business…

Life doesn’t always go as planned. So we don’t always get to where we thought we’d be by now. And like me, there may be some grief and some grace attached to whatever it is you are feeling. I want to do what some people are not doing in this conversation of not being where you thought you’d be at by now, and that is holding space for your grief.

It is not just a complaint that you are not where you thought you’d be by now. Stop complaining. Be grateful, your friends say. You’re reading these self-help books, and you’re thinking, I’m not as spiritual as I thought I’d be.

These thoughts and feelings don’t feel very good. I want to hold space for that.

You are allowed to grieve the things that didn’t go as planned.

You are allowed to miss a life that only lived inside your heart or on the list of goals.

It is okay to be frustrated with a life or experiences that you never signed up to.

Pretending that you are okay when you are not only layers your suffering.

Not speaking or saying that you are not okay doesn’t make you okay—it makes you dishonest. Just because you are not voicing your complaints about where your life is doesn’t mean you don’t feel it. The feelings are still there. It’s a very real experience. And when you are not honest about it, only you hurt from that. You can’t effectively spiritually bypass your very real feelings about where you are in life.

During many of my conversations about this, I realized that there is a lot of shame attached to that space between where you are and where you wanna be. There’s a lot of shame there. There is regret there. Guilt also lives there. And my theory is that the struggle is in our silence about it. More of us need to be honest about the fact that we are just not where we thought we’d be.

But there’s a greater issue with being silent about not feeling good about where you are. It prevents you from getting the help you need.

You see, after diving into one of these conversations, I was able to help someone get their dream life, thanks to an introduction. I introduced them to someone who set in motion some things they are now living out and experiencing—dreams they thought weren’t going to happen started happening because they spoke up, and I said, I know a person.

Someone else moved into a new home after strategizing with me for a few months. This was a client who not only moved into a new home, but moved into a new home, across the country with a new husband. They are living the life all because she was honest in our sessions. Those conversations opened doors.

We need to speak up, be honest.

Let there be no shame in not knowing how to make something happen in your life. The shame is in not asking.

The Grace

Consider this: You are not always meant to be exactly where you thought you’d be. That’s just the truth. Sometimes it’s not that you are not meant to be there. Maybe it’s just a matter of timing. Sometimes old plans just don’t align with the new version of who you are in this season of your life, who you are today. And sometimes some things are just not meant to be.

A moment of silence for the things that just were not meant to be. The relationship, the opportunity, the move… It just wasn’t meant to be.

And finally, consider that sometimes you are just still becoming the version of yourself that you need to be to get there. So it’s not that you don’t deserve it. It’s not that you don’t belong. It’s not that you aren’t worthy of it. It’s just taking time. You’re not there yet. It’s not that you’re not going to get there, beloved. You’re just not there yet.

Remember that the space between where you are right now and where you want to be, or where you desire to be, or where you are meant to be, is tough. It’s lonely. It’s a struggle, but you don’t have to do it alone, and you don’t need to be ashamed of your struggle. Anytime you are trying to do, be, or create, it’s going to be a bit of a push. It’s going to be a bit of a struggle.

Final Thoughts

This conversation about not being where you thought you’d be at by now is necessary. We need to speak up so that we can get help. We need to speak up so that we can be redirected. We need to speak up so that we can release some things that were never meant or supposed to be.

Here’s the thing, beloved, you’re going to get to where you are meant to be. Maybe not where you planned to be, maybe not where you thought you’d be by now, but I believe in my heart of hearts, in the core of my being, that you and I, we will get there.

With grace through grief, we will get to where we are meant to be.

Allow things to happen the way they are supposed to. Allow your life to unfold as it is. Be present to where you are right now so that you can soak up and extract everything you need to continue becoming, learning, and growing.

The grief of not being where you thought you’d be by now is very real and very valid. Please don’t let shame gaslight you into thinking that you are crazy for feeling that way.

Not being there yet could be evidence of grace. You never know what God is preparing you for or protecting you from.

Lean into the process of becoming who you are meant to be right now. Let yourself be present in this season of your life.

Maybe your silence about what and how you are feeling right now is what’s keeping you from getting there. Speak up, beloved, and ask for help.

Finally, allow yourself to release old plans that are attached to old versions of you. Make new plans. Allow new things to happen in your life. Allow God to do new things in your life.

Maybe you are not meant to be there because you are meant to be somewhere else.

You’ll get there, beloved. We’ll get there, beloved. Let’s keep having this conversation.

And until next time, I hope this helps.